MCT.

No matter how many times you break me down or tear me apart, no matter how much you've hurt me: I will always have hope. Hope for you. Hope for us. I will always hold onto this little shred of hope you've left me and I will hold onto it forever. No matter what.

I'll just have to live my life around it.

OhhHeyy;

I think I'm going to start a new blog.
This one has been great and all but all it has become to me is a place where I write about him.
This blog has every upsetting thought of mine, a journal of things I'd do anything to forget.


SOOOO, without further audieu may I introduce you to my new blog.


TA-DA!
weallhavesecrets.wordpress.com

Once Upon A Time...

There was this sweet, tender, naive girl who believed everything guys said to her. Not the best quality because she could never tell when boys were saying stuff to her because they meant it or because they wanted something from her. For example, when one said "You're perfect and an all around good person" she couldn't tell if they were lying. If one said "I love you", she believed them. She always doubted herself and her capabilities.
Now it all started about a year ago, she was just getting the hang of high school: her friends were settling in, and so was everything else. She had already thought she'd been in love. Stupid right? An eighth grader being in love...Yeah, right. Well, this is what she thought and no one could change that. That is until she met him. He was this new and interesting person that she had just discovered. They hit it off. Flirting, hanging out...but this was far from serious. Slowly things graduated, with a few rough patches here and there, a few mistakes, and some wrong-doings. But finally, they were together after everything. She thought it was so worth it. She felt this incredible love for him swell up inside her, consuming everything. This, she thought, changes everything I once thought love was...This redefines my definition of love. She was right. What she had with him was more real than any other feeling.
Let's look at him: he says the same things to all the girls, he was a drama queen, and he loves attention. He said things to her like: I love you, I've never been more happier, and I'm falling in love with you. She believed it, and who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to believe all these great things the man of her dreams was telling her?! But what she didn't understand was that they were just words. They didn't mean anything unless proven. She was so blinded by love that she didn't see the fact that she was just another girl to him, that she could be tossed away and he could have a brand new one in the next week. That's exactly what happened. Over and over and over again. She couldn't help it, she loved him with all that she had and she believed that he could change, that he could be the ultimate boyfriend for her.
Her hopes of that coming true were smashed over and over. And who was there to pick up the pieces? His best friend. A while ago, she liked him but chose her dream man over him, he hated her but now was the one to make her feel better time and time again. He said things to her that she knew were genuine and their friendship grew. She constantly talked to him and they told each other things that they didn't want to tell anyone else. In her eyes, he had become one of her best friends. He knew her like no one else did and vice versa. This made her think, Did I make the wrong choice in the beginning? They always thought about how things would be if they were together.
That killed her, knowing that she could have wasted so much love on the wrong person. He told her, "I'm tired of him doing this to you over and over again. You don't deserve it." To make things right, she thought, I have to do what makes me happy.
Now fast forward maybe a year. The naive girl isn't so naive anymore, she's with a man who treats her with respect, loves her unconditionally, and they appreciate each other. They couldn't be happier. This man? The best friend that stood by her and was her shoulder to cry on for numerous times.
Insert ex- dream man. He has finally realized what he's done. He pushed away the one girl who had an undying love for him. He made her hate him, he broke her heart. He says to her, "I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I was so stupid back then...I should have realized how much you cared about me and I should have admitted to how much you meant to me. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I love you and I meant it when I said I always will. Can you ever forgive me for all the damage I've done? Could we ever go back to the way we were? Because my life just isn't the same without you."
She's speechless. This is what she used to dream about, pray about each and every night, for him to realize this. She's confronted with this internal battle that's between going to the man who stole her heart and staying with the man who put it back together.
She's crying as she admits, "I thought you'd never say this. You really had no idea how much I loved you. You can't possibly understand the physical and mental pain you put me through. I can't forgive you for this. I'm sorry. I'm staying with the guy who knew from the get-go how much I mattered to him. Unlike you, he didn't think twice about it. And unlike you, he knows what he has when he has me."
Now he faces a lifetime of what she felt all those dreadful months ago. He has to live with himself knowing that he wasn't there to catch her, he was far, far too late. That some lucky guy came across her and picked her up and put her back together. He has to go on knowing that she's happy without him.

The End.

confession.

I wish I could erase every last remain of you, every last message and note, knowing that I would be erasing my memories of you and you along with it.

!@#$%^&*

so i think i'm finally accepting the fact that you are far from the person i thought you were. you have done every unforgivable thing to me and i don't understand why i still want you. i have given you everything, and it's not enough. i fell so in love with you but i'm starting to realize that you didn't care. you could have cared less if i did or didn't. you only wanted one thing from me. you did anything you could to keep me hanging around, even telling me you loved me. i don't even know if anything you said to me was true anymore. honestly, if you felt how you did, how could you stop? how could you just sit around and tell me things i wanted to hear, knowing i would believe you? what kind of person does that? you are the biggest asshole i've ever met, you have no heart, and you're such an ugly person. i don't know what i saw in you. i regret ever liking you. i regret ever going out with you. i regret ever loving you. i regret every part of my life that has you in it. i regret ever meeting you. i regret every word i said to make you feel special. you didn't deserve any of it. everything i worked so hard for between us was completely and utterly pointless. i fell in love with a terrible person and now i have to do everything in my power to stop loving you. i would've rather you never saying 'i love you' to me because that's better than being lied to. i almost feel bad for you. you're kinda pathetic and i pity you. it's not like i made you the person you are today. someone must have fucked you up pretty badly. that doesn't mean you had to fuck me up for other guys to come.

despite all of this, i still want you to be happy. without me. why? because i'm nice and i believe in karma.

If it's a broken arm then brace it. If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken heart then face it.

I'm facing it.

And let me tell you, what I'm looking at is messy and it's gonna take a long time to put back together.

Hold your tongue.

You know nothing about this. Don't even get involved. I hope you watch as I'm falling down because you are the reason I'm hitting the ground. You can be the one that breaks me, you will be the one that breaks me now. I hope you know that every tear you cry is a memory left from when you watched me die. You know I'll haunt your dreams with all these pieces that you stole from me.

Lately, I've been feeling very lost and confused, like nothing made sense, like I couldn't grasp anything whether it be a simple sentence or a complex problem. I feel like I'm losing my mind. But then I wondered, What if this is a coping method? What if this is my body's way of coping with this pain that I feel 24/7. It makes sense because I always used to think about you, so now it's routine and now that I'm trying to get over you (TRYING), my brain is making me immune to all things that remind me of you. Which, by the way, is practically everything. Therefore, I'm completely numb and I can't think. Wow. Thank you for making me retarded.

This is my only explanation to why I'm feeling the way I do. It's an educated guess.

OH! Question: Who tells someone they love them and always will, then four days later have a girlfriend?

A) An asshole B) The most hurtful boy on planet Earth C) The most hurtful boy on planet Earth that I'm still in love with or D) All of the above.


ANSWER is D.

V.

Why is it that after I've sworn you off for good, I see you and it almost falters the wall I've built to protect myself from you? There I was, contemplating a current situation that had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you, I look up, BAM!, there you are. My heart literally thudded. Twice. Maybe three times. Then it sped up and I was filled with dread. WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? Get outta here. Seriously.

IV.

I'm strangely so happy and content without you. To be honest with you, I didn't know this was possible. I think I'm starting this new process that's beyond all of the others. Do not try to ruin this for me. Don't try to bring yourself back into this life of mine. I promise you, I won't let you in so easily like I've done so many times before. I'll shut you out. And let me tell you, you'll miss me when I'm gone.
(:

This time

I need a soldier, a really badass soldier.
A boy who knows how to take care of me, I'm so damn glad that's over.
This time I need a soldier, I'm sick of toy soldiers.

Oh yes. Bring on the men. Fuck you little boys.
>:D

III.

I'm not settling for anything less than the best, strange as it may sound...I think I already found what I'm looking for.

II.

I will never lose my virginity to someone like you, to someone who treats me like shit.

I.

You're kidding me, right? Don't you ever say you love me again. I can't believe you. You don't love me. Leave me alone. Thanks a fucking lot. You've broken my heart.

Nightmares.

"I wish I could rip out a page of my memory cause I put too much energy in him and me. Can't wait 'till I get through this phase, cause it's killing me. Too bad we can't rewrite our own history. It's such a mystery when he's here with me, it's hard to believe I'm still lonely. Chances fading now, patience running out. This ain't how it's supposed to be. I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy. How do we reverse the chemistry? I don't want us to be the end of me. This love is taking all of my energy."

Days like these make me wonder why I need you out of all people. I'm not one to complain. I've got good, true friends who would stick up for me and never leave my side. I've got a good stable family without any issues or problems. I do good in school. I play a sport I love. And I've got everything I could possibly want...Well except for you. Why is it that I SHOULD love my life and value every second of it, but I don't. I can't value hardly any of it because you're not in it. Why can't I be grateful for the things I have, that others would kill for? Why would I kill to have you? Perfect days, like the one I've had today, where I wake up, I'm excited because it's my friends birthday, I laugh until my face hurts because my friends are just that great and I don't get ANY homework so I can go over to my friend's house to spend 6 hours walking to McDonald's and eating, then going out with my 2nd family to eat a 2nd dinner, make me so fucking happy. No one gets it. It's so simple and it's carefree and it's just nice. But as usual, I come home, I take for granted my family that is, thank god, still together, and I sit in my room by myself. This sucks out some of the energy I had throughout the day. And then when it becomes the time where I'm tired enough to fall asleep, I get ready for bed and I crawl under the covers. This is when I think about you. After every wonderful thing that happened that day, I always end up hating my life at the end of it. All because I don't have you.

Gulp, gulp, gulp.

Why is alcoholism cool when you're a young adult and looked down upon when you're an adult? It's a disease so it should be treated like one. And in my opinion it ruins lives. It ruins the lives of the victims and the lives of the friends and family of the victim. Drinking is fun but don't get me wrong, when it becomes a must-have, it becomes a problem. I don't understand why the majority of today's generation don't treat it like one.

Uhm, Hello..?

Can you say SunitaIsAGoddessThatPoursMagicalWordsFromHerMouthAndPutsThemOnHerBlog? Everything she says, I feel the. Exact. Same. Way.





Hello, it’s me again just here to tell you, yet again, what you have done to me. I honestly think you have ruined me for other guys. Because of you, I can’t trust anyone of the opposite sex. When a guy compliments me, I can’t accept it and say thank you, I have to question it. You have made me so insecure and you could care less. You don’t know how many scars you’ve left here. I hate how it’s so easy for you to just move on with your life and I’m here dealing with all the pain you’ve left me. You go around acting like you’ve done nothing, like nothing ever happened and I can’t comprehend it. Everything on the face of this earth reminds me of you and it’s depressing. I went to see New Moon the other day with a few of my friends and the whole time I was watching it, I was thinking “Why can’t I have someone like Edward Cullen?” Unlike you, he LOVES Bella and would do just about anything for her. I know he’s just a character in a movie and a protagonist in a book, but I’m sure there’s someone in this cold hearted world like him. I really hope there is.

But you know what? The truth is, I don’t want someone else like him. I want you. But you can’t see that. You don’t get it and I don’t understand that. I feel like I’ve written this all before and it’s like it’s a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again. God, I really don’t get you. I can’t bring myself to understand why you do the things you so easily do, and it seems to me that you don’t have a care in the world while you’re accomplishing your deeds. You can so easily break me down in what you say and what you don’t say and you don’t give a shit. I was talking to my friend Rachel about this today because you see, you and Mitchell are exactly alike. You two both have girls that love you more than life itself and you treat us like shit. As I was talking to her about it, she said you guys were born like that and I thought it was your insecurities. This is just my theory. Maybe you guys are born like that and no matter how hard we try to change you into someone better than the person you are, we just can’t. It may sound bad that we’re trying to change you into someone you’re not, but the person you are now is horrible. You cause us pain without caring. You know exactly what you’re doing, you just don’t care. Anyway, as we were talking, we brought up Morganne and her boyfriend Jesse and you want to know what Rachel said? Her exact words were “Yeah, Jesse’s a fucking god compared to our men. He treats Morganne so well.”

We girls go through so many changes for you guys and you don’t notice. We would change anything about us if you asked us to but it’s impossible for you to simply change your attitude towards us. Once again, I don’t get it. All I’m saying is, you can’t keep treating us like shit because I promise you, one day we will get over you. You will realize that all you really wanted was standing right in front of you and she gave you her love and support no matter what. And when you finally get it, once you truly think about how stupid you were, we won’t want you. We’ll have someone else who can actually accept us and our love. And what about you? You’ll feel the exact same pain that we felt everyday in the past…-Sunita Shelly<3

All I've ever wanted....was you.

“Your words are full of honesty, the kind I breathe, the kind that cuts me deep. And I am grasping for air, I’m gasping for air now. Yesterday feels like a fresh wound, still I insist it’s just a flesh wound. This is my reply for all the pain you put me through. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Looking back at all the words I sent you, I’m doing my best to forget you. But it still remains your name, the bitter taste on my tongue. I can’t forget your kiss, or the venom on your lips. This is gonna leave a scar, I am wounded.”

So here I am, breaking my promise. I keep writing about you even when I say I'm not going to. You were right, I AM a compulsive liar...but not about the things you accused me of. I can't even imagine writing about any other boy with the same intensity and feeling as I do with you. It's just impossible for me to think about. I'm here because I'm honestly tired of this. I can't stress it enough. I don't ever want to love another besides you. It kills me to even think about you telling other girls the things you once said to me. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I wish we could completely start over, a clean slate. Maybe then, we could do it right.

So here I am, in all my fatality, giving every last part of me to you. Screaming at you from the inside how much I love you, how much I can't stop loving you. Ignoring you on the outside because I can't take the pain you cause me any longer. Telling you that I love you, and deep down I know, I always will. Knowing that it's not good enough for you. And learning that I will have to deal with it and live with this painful fact for the rest of my life.

And here you are, not even acknowledging my existence because all I ever was to you was the girl who loved you irrevocably.

Oh, you know, don't sweat it. It doesn't hurt THAT bad when I don't think about it.

Despite what I've said. Despite the things I said I was going to do.
I can't. I'm completely lying to myself.

I'm going to keep telling myself that I can do this.
Maybe one day I'll actually start to believe it.

If It Means A Lot To You...

YOU: And hey darling, I hope you're good tonight and I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving. Yeah I want it, but no, I don't need it. Tell me something sweet to get me by 'cause I can't come back home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la. Till everyone is singing... If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best..

ME: And hey sweetie, well, I need you here tonight and I know that you don't want to be leaving me. Yeah you want it, but I can't help it: I just feel complete when you're by my side. But I know you can't come home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la.

YOU: Till everyone is singing: la, la la la, la la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best...

ME: You know you can't give me what I need. And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything.

BOTH: Is this really happening?!

ME: I swear I'll never be happy again! And don't you dare say we can just be friends.

YOU: I'm not some boy that you can sway. We knew it'd happen eventually...

La, la la la, la la la. Now everybody's singing: la, la la la, la la la..

Thank you ADTR, you've made it oh so very clear to me.

untitled,

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, it was never meant to be. If it does, love it forever."

What about those of us who were fucking retarded when the something we loved returned but instead of loving it forever, we questioned it? What happens to those of us who set it free, it came back, we didn't take it, now it's gone, and finally we want it back?

I guess those of us are the sore losers who never knew what we had when we had it.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.

I promise you that I haven't always been like this. I haven't always been this hard on the outside, hard on the inside kind of girl. I used to be different but loving you has made me into this person I absolutely hate. I'm so unhappy now because of you. I hate things I've never hated and I love things that I used to hate. I need things that were useless to me before. I would do anything to anyone it if meant I had you. What makes you so fucking special? Why are YOU the sole giver of my happiness? I've pushed myself to limits I didn't even know I had because of you. I've changed myself to conform to your type. That's not okay with me. I used to be this person who wouldn't let boys get in the way of every single thing. And now I am that person. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of who I was before you, but that means vulnerability. And I cannot be vulnerable around you or anyone else. I'm trying so damn hard to be happy and forget you and I do so well up to a certain point: when you squeeze yourself right back to where you were or when you tear everything down that I've worked so hard to put up. Whenever things are starting to look up, you come around and RUIN everything for me. Whenever I start to be happy without you, you have to snatch away my happiness. I am so over your games. I am so over your sick little mind. I am so over what you've put me through. It's not healthy. And after everything that has happened...I still think that it's all my fault. That I could have done something to change the way you act now. The only thing I've done is show you, in the best possible way that I can, how much I love you. I can't do much more than that. I'm tired of all of this meaningless bullshit between us now. We have nothing. We won't have anything ever again. And I'm afraid we never had anything to begin with. I need you more than you need me. I love you more than you love me. I want you more than you want me. My head and my heart have played a devious trick on me. I'm going to convince myself that what we had was nothing, I never had REAL feelings for you, vice versa, and that you aren't worth my time. I'm done being the only one with real, true feelings here. If they only go one-way, I don't want any part of it anymore. I'm going to do everything in my power to get over you, forget everything that went on between us, and move on. I'm going to try my hardest to find the girl I lost to you.

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you could possibly want. This will be the hardest thing that I will have to do. I hope you understand.

Bye, this will be the last thing I write about you.

"Often it's the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them." -Unknown.

I am thankful for....

Morganne Juarez, Julianna Durden, and Sunita Shelly

You guys are my best friends. Without you in my life, I would be a completely different person. I love the person you guys have made me. Each one of you has taught me things about life, love and pretty much everything else; things I wouldn't have learned from anyone. You are all so strong in your own individual way and I admire that. With everything that life has thrown at you, you've kept pushing. Everyday I spend with you guys is a new adventure. You make me laugh until my stomach and my face ache. You give me advice on what to do when it seems like my world is falling apart. And most importantly, you've all been there for me when I needed you. All of you have helped me up when I've fallen down, and I will be forever grateful. Not to get all mushy, but all three of you will hold a special place in my heart until I die. No matter what. I cannot tell you how much I love you all. You guys are everything I could ever ask for as best friends. "Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." Morganne, Jules, and Sunita...you have left your footprints <33333333

Girls Get Screwed;;;

Not that kind of screwed,
what I mean is,
they're always
on the short
end of
things.

The way things work, how
guys feel great, but
make girls feel
cheap for doing
exactly what
they beg
for.

The way they get to play
you, all the while
claiming they
love you and
making you
believe it's
true.

The way it's okay to gift
their heart one day, a
backhand the next, to
move on to the apricot
when the peach
blushes and
bruises.

These things make me believe
God's a man, after all.

Second Chance.

I need to know that I'm allowed a legitimate second chance. I need to know that if I ever need you, you'll be there. I cannot stress it enough. You are the sole person that I want to be with and the only being alive to make me confusingly, gushingly happy. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY READ THE WORDS I WRITE. You don't comprehend them. Everything I say, I feel it ten times magnified. You are the only person who can make my heart thump as wild and crazy as it does. When I'm around you, my insides go crazy. When I think about you, I cannot stop no matter how hard I try. I need to know that a part of you still feels like this. I need to know if we can ever be again. I need to know if a part of me is worth fighting for.

She went inside

I wasn't sure if I felt more
disappointed or relieved.
_________ really had him.

So I shouldn't want him.

Should I?

I didn't really want his perfect
pout, reaching hungrily
for my own timid lips.

I didn't have a clue how to

kiss.

Didn't really want his hands,
investigating the hills
and valleys of my landscape.

I'd never been touched by

a boy.

Didn't want his face,
burrowing into my hair,
finding my neck. Tasting.

I'd never even said hello to such

a complete stranger.

Didn't want his smoke,
making me gag, making me
want to taste something so gross.

It was all so confusing,

I mean,

I didn't want a boyfriend,
no summer fling to make
me want to stay in this alien place.

Anyway, I'd be speechless

if he asked.

Not My Type

"No shirt

hot bod.
His, that is.
So why did
I break out in
a sweat?

No shoes

barefoot,
bare chest, with
a bare, baby face
to make the
angels sing.

Nothing

but ragged
cut-offs,
hugging a
tawny six pack,
and a smile.

No pin-up

pretty boy
could touch,
a smile that
zapped every cell.
He was definitely

not my type."

I wish when you wrote blogs about people, they were sent a notification so they'd immediantly read it.

"I'm a real big fan of yours but I'm quite the joke to you. But girl it wasn't a joke when you kissed me in your room and replied 'I love you too'. I'm a little bit insecure from all of these mistreat-ments but see I'm working it out. I'm working it out, it's so damn hard when your alone. I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you. And I get to the point where all I wanted was for us to make up, but its not that easy 'cause girl, you move on so quickly. Keeping a boy like me, at the edge of his seat and I know everything you do is all about your perfect image. Well I hope this song, it helps your image. Haha, I'm so over you now. I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you. And I was the one who thought I was the strong one. You proved me wrong. Now I'm singing along to every song on the radio. I don't wanna go, come on baby tell me something I wanna know and I don't wanna see what is on my mind 'cause its lack of motivation is taking over my time and I'm sick of trying. All together now! I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you."

Tell me if I'm wasting my time or not. Because I'm not about to let you make a fool out of me for waiting around for someone who won't come. You say you don't care to them? Really?! Cause that's not what you told me...I'm done playing games with you. Make up your fucking mind. In the past month or so, I've watched you change back into the guy you were when I first met you. You're becoming the guy I want nothing to do with. And I'm hating every second of it because you can't hate and love someone at the same time.

Verdict.

It feels good to not have a main gusto at the moment...it's always so stressful and filled with drama. I like the feeling of not worrying about what I wear to impress others and worrying about if what I just said sounded stupid. It's nice. I get to focus on things that have been previously neglected like my family, and my friends. I mean don't get me wrong, I still really really really like you (you know who you are) but we don't talk so it's kind of a mutual feeling of basically nothing, if that makes sense. I love being with a guy and I'm so used to it that now I'm not, it's new and exciting and I like it. For once, I feel no pressure to do anything. It's great.

I've said this once, and I'll say it again: I'm done trying to force myself on you. If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
'Nuff said.

I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I've done this to myself. I cannot believe I've managed to ruin everything good for myself. The only person I can blame everything on is myself. I can't blame the alcohol, the weed, the E, the friends, or the frustration. I've read what I wrote in the summer about you and I'm bewildered on how I saw that coming. I'm even more confused on why I didn't take full action when I had the chance. You have no idea how mad I am at myself. I'm furious that I pushed you away and that I pushed your boundaries. I'm so fucking mad that I let it get this bad. I'm mad that I let my frustration and my anger get in the way of us. I'm angry that I single-handedly ruined what I had with you. I'm so sorry for everything. I can't say it enough. I'm sorry for being a stupid bitch and I'm sorry for getting mad at stupid things. When you asked me to do simple things that would make our relationship better, I'm sorry for not doing them right away. I'm sorry for fucking things up. I should've taken advantage of my time with you. Instead, I took it for granted. I didn't live up to my full potential with you and I didn't give you everything I had. I only half-assed it because I was scared. I hesitated admitting my feelings for you because I didn't know if you felt the same. I second guessed everything and I'm sorry. If I could rewind time and make everything right, don't think I wouldn't. Because I so would. I would do anything to make us right. I would kill to hear you say I love you to me, just once more. I would absolutely love one last chance with you.




I take full responsibility for the condition of my heart.
I will never forgive myself for this.

†

So after looking at every single post about him, I find it ridiculous that something so great and wonderful could turn so badly so fast.
No one can change the fact that I am deeply in love with you, not even you. You can't tell me to leave you alone thinking that will reverse everything. I don't feel like myself anymore because of you and because of what you're doing to me. I can't allow myself and my feelings to be thrashed around like this any longer. I feel like I have to either love you and you accept it so we could go back or I have to somehow break my heart all over again and let someone else put it back together. I'm so extremely done with feeling like shit everyday, with expressing my feelings for you and getting absolutely no feedback. I'm so done with feeling not good enough for you.
This is the only way I can tell you how I feel without me being interrupted or getting it turned back on me.

End of story, I'd rather be fighting with you than kiss someone else. But this has gone on too long. A girl can only cry so many tears and feel like shit for so long.

I want to be irresistibly desired by you.

Is it too much to ask for? Is it too much too be happy? It seems like I'm trying SO hard to find someone who will treat me right and someone who will never let me fall. But I always end up going back to you. Why is that? Why does my heart love you unconditionally? Why does my brain love you to no end?! I have the worst time answering the question, "Why do you love him?" because I honestly can't name a certain thing. It's just you. I love YOU and I love all of you. I want to feel the feeling you give me everyday for the rest of my life. I want you for my own forever. And despite certain circumstances, nothing has changed. I still love you as much as when I first realized I truly did and I always will. Maybe the only way I'm going to be happy is if I'm with you.


"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." --Robert Frost.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye--It could be for the last time and it's not right. "Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said. Alone and far from home, I'll find you...Dead--like a candle, you burned out. Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words. Scream--to be heard, like you needed any more attention. Throw the bottle, break the door and disappear. Sing me to sleep. I'll see you in my dreams, waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry." Forever's never seemed so long, as when you're not around it's like a piece of me is missing. I could have learned so much from you, but what's left now? Don't you realize you showed this family a world of pain? Can't you see there could have been a happy ending and we let go. Sing me to sleep. I'll see you in my dreams, waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry." Sing me to sleep. You've taken so much with you...I'll see you in my dreams. But left the worst with me...Waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Hush little baby, don't you cry.

Here it comes. The tears build up until they spill over the edge. The burning sensation behind my eyes...deep down. My eyes sting, filling up with salt water, blurring my vision and clogging my other senses and then the feeling travels down into my nose. They finally escape, they yell FREEDOM, and slowly explore the soft skin under my eyes, gaining speed they fall faster down my cheeks. Sometimes they take a detour on my nose and fall off the tip or they continue down my cheek into the corner of my mouth where my tongue can't resist the urge to taste the saltiness of sadness, that is, if I let them go that far. If I don't swipe them away from the peering eye. All the while, their upsetting journey is filled with the silent scream of your name.

Welcome to the heart breaking life of my tears.

I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I don't get it. I had to deal with it last year and now, it's ten times worse. I'm so in love with you that this is killing me. I don't know why I had to fall in love with you. I wish I could rewind a year and tell myself to never fall for you, to never let you get close to me because all you've ever caused me is drama, hatred and heartbreak. I wish I could erase all of those precious memories that I've held so close. I wish I didn't give a damn about any part of you. No matter how badly I wish I never met you and how I wish you'd go away forever and I could simply forget, I can't. I can't get over you and I can't even begin to understand where to start. I can't imagine my life without you. I've never been this torn up inside over anyone. Despite everything's that has happened between you and me, I could never ever change my feelings for you. You really don't understand that. You don't get how crazy I am over you. I wish everything could go back to how it was. I don't even know what went wrong and why it went wrong so badly. I've never wanted to be with anyone as much as I want to be with you. I would do anything for you. I wish we could compromise on how to fix our problems. I wish we talked it out. I wish you felt the same.

A little thing.

Let me tell you a little thing about LOVE.
They say it's the ultimate feeling in the world, that you've never experienced anything until you've truly loved. The dictionary defines love as practically nothing. It doesn't embody the full extreme emotion that is with you in your heart constantly. It doesn't come even remotely close. The dictionary defines it like this, "any object of warm affection or devotion or liking", "a strong positive emotion of; affection or pleasure", and even, "a score of zero in tennis or squash: It was 40-love!" In reality, love is characterized by the desire to want good things for that person no matter what. You're willing to work out your problems together. You can hardly breathe when you're around them. Even though you may see them all the time or hardly ever, it's as if you get that rush of what you felt when you got your first kiss all over again. It's when you KNOW that other person doesn't deserve any part of you, but none of that matters, you want to be with them regardless of the past. When you shake and cry from an anxiety attack at the thought of them being lost and gone forever. It's when after everything that has happened between the two of you, all the shit that's been said and done, and when you shouldn't like them any longer, you still do. You can't imagine your life without them and you refuse to. And no matter how hard you try to get over them, you simply just can't. Your heart won't allow it.
The Greeks had their own definitions for the different types of love. Agape love is unconditional love. It is love by "choice" even if you are not pleased. Philia love is the dispassionate virtuous love, guided by our likes or our healthy or unhealthy needs and desires. Storge is the word for family love and the physical show of "affection", the need for physical touch. Eros is the physical "sexual" desire, intercourse. After figuring those out, I concluded that when you acquire all four types of love for one sole person, you find true love.
I've heard so many lies and bullshit about love that sometimes I'm afraid I'll blur the lines of what love is or what it isn't. But then again, your own definition of love is how you should look at it.
Sorry to break it to you but those of you who are naive and think love is this wonderful thing where everything is perfect and the gorgeous princess gets to be with the charming prince, you are wrong. Let me tell you a little thing about love, it's a brutal, confusing as fuck, heart-wrenching, beautiful competition. When it all boils down, each person plays games with the other person's mind regardless if it's a good game or a bad game. More times out of none, it's all just a fluke. He may say he loves you a 1,000 times but in the end he could just leave you, despite what he's told you. Everyone and anyone can do whatever the fuck they want and sometimes they will. He can treat you like his world one week and then treat you like shit for a month. Girls, we allow it, I don't know why, but we do. You boys fuck around with our heads. You could do something so shitty and unforgivable but then when you do a simple thing like kiss us on the forehead, it just erases the terrible thing you've just done out of our memories. I'm not saying girls aren't guilty of this either. We fuck around with boys' egos, we play with jealousy even more. What I'm saying is: love is a game. It has the biggest reward and can cause the worst downfall. If you win, you get it all. You get the happiness, the holding hands, the kissing, the hugs where you can't let go, the cuddling, the hanging out just the two of you, the love, the laughs, the everything. You get to be with someone who you love and love every second of it. If you lose, you get the heartbreak, the tears, the makeup stains, the sobs, the hiccups, the dread, the feeling of emptiness, the loneliness, the hatred towards the other person, the part where you miss them crazily, and the part where you see them around town and your whole world, that you so thoughtfully reconstructed, falls down all over again.
Let me tell you a little thing about the game of love, I lost.

Uh-oh.

I honestly have never felt this desperate in my life.
I have absolutely no idea what you want me to do. I don't know what it will take for you to forgive me. And I don't know how much more of this I can take. You're crushing me, stomping on me and kicking me to the curb. I feel like a pathetic little ball of nothing. All I want is you to forgive me and for us to go back to the way we were. That's all I want! I want you back, despite my bitchy words I'm falling apart without you. Nothing's right, and I need you in my life. You BELONG there. This isn't fair to me. I'm so terribly sorry for everything. I want you to explain to me why you care so much that I did what I did. I want you to confess why you're so mad at me.
I'm scared shitless that if you do ever forgive me, nothing will be the same. We won't return to what we were and we won't feel the same. I'm scared that we'll be over for good. Just that thought makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. I hope you realize how afraid I am of losing you.

I'm hopeless.

You know

how I've been saying this whole time that you were going to be the one to ruin me?





Congratulations.
You have successfully broken me, tore me apart, and made me the most emotionless being alive.

I hope you're satisfied.

THIS DOESN'T MEAN SHIT ANYMORE. I NEVER GOT TO POST IT WHEN IT DID.

10/19/09
I'm restraining myself from writing ANOTHER blog about you. I can't do it anymore, I'm going to pour my heart out in this post right here. It's going to take a couple days but I'm starting it now, just as a head start kinda. I will add to it as I think of things to say about you, about how you make me feel, about the way you amaze me and about the way you frustrate me to no extent. I'm struggling. So much. I'm struggling with trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with you. How am I supposed to breathe when I'm around you? How am I supposed to contain myself?! How in the world am I supposed to BE with you? Not in the literal form but I mean how am I supposed to act when I'm around you. I'm so confused and lost and you cause this confusion. You jumble up my thoughts and I can't think straight when I'm around you. When I'm with you, everything goes away. All of my previous feelings disappear and I'm just filled with utter happiness. I don't know how you can do this to me, out of all people. You caused me so much pain and I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. I'm not gonna lie to you, you've caused me the worst mental pain I've ever experienced. But don't fret, you've also caused the greatest happiness I've ever felt. I can't believe the same person can have that effect on me, but you do. I've never cried over someone as much as I have for you and I definitely haven't loved someone as much as I love you. I think about you constantly, no joke. You're always on my mind, whether I'm full-blown thinking about you or you're in the back of my mind. Regardless, you're there. All day, every day. Talking to you makes me feel less alone and honestly makes everything better. I love talking to you because you make me feel good. You make me feel like I could do anything and not fail. It's the greatest feeling ever. I really want to tell all of this to you in person, but I don't think I have the stomach to be able to...I feel that even though we don't constantly talk or constantly see each other, it doesn't affect our relationship, whatever that may be. And even though we don't always talk, I think of you as my best friend. I feel like if I needed you, you'd be there and that's something I love. I would LOVE to tell you everything, like I tell Morganne, but I think I'd be too embarrassed or something. I don't ever want to lose you and I don't ever want you to leave my life for even a second. You mean so much to me, I can't put it all into words but I'm trying. I try so fucking hard not to get jealous about the silly things. For example, when another girl hugs you...like you're not exactly mine so I have no control over it and I'm trying to accept that. I'm trying to accept the fact that you ARE talking to other girls and I'm trying to grasp the fact and understand WHY it hurts so much. Then, I have to remind myself that it does go both ways. I talk to other guys. I just don't know how it affects you. I wish I could read your mind. That would be so fucking helpful everyday. There are SO many songs that remind me of you every single time I listen to them. Until The Day I Die by Story of the Year, If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember, My Heart by Paramore, Untouched by The Veronicas, This Love by The Veronicas, Fallin' Apart by The All-American Rejects, Fallin' For You by Colbie Calliat, Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato, Catch Me by Demi Lovato, The Bird and The Worm by Owl City, Happy by NeverShoutNever!, Bubbly by Colbie Calliat, and Lucky by Jason Mraz are only a select few. I could write for hours about you if I wanted, but now that I'm actually trying..nothing's coming to me. You make me the happiest girl on the face of the planet. Have I said that already? When I told you I loved everything about you, I wasn't exaggerating. You drive me absolutely crazy and I love every second of it. I hate it when my friends talk shit about you, telling me you're bad for me. Because they don't know what you're like with me, they don't know how you act and how you treat me. They don't know how I feel about you. They don't know how in love with you I am.

11/6/09
I can't write much more than this. I'm trying so hard to be happy. You're the only thing that makes me happy. I don't have you, therefore I am not happy. It's driving me up a fucking wall because you're not talking to me.

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to get over you if you keep this up.

Drifting.

I can feel myself slowly,
drifting away from you.
We don't talk as much.
We don't see each other.
It makes me sad and it
makes me wonder what
went wrong? Was it me?
Or is this your fault?
Your birthday's coming up.
I thought that by that time
we'd be together and it'd be
different. Maybe this is
supposed to happen.
Maybe me and you aren't
supposed to be together...
Exactly like how I said in
the beginning. Maybe we forced
this on us. I hope not.
I love you so much and it
makes me feel lonely to
think that after everything
and despite my feelings, it can
all just be

erased.

HONESTLY?!

Can you say sexiest man alive?






Holy shit. Cause I can(:

"...and then I carefully sealed away my heart."

My Shooting Star(:

I love just who you are,
I ain't gonna try to change ya.
You are a shooting star,
that's why you are my favorite.

I caught her when she fell from heaven.
One to ten, baby girl's an eleven.
And I ain't trying to spit no game,
but I'm trying to figure out from where you came.
Because a star like hers,
man, it rarely occurs in a world like this,
Only way you ever meet a girl like this,
get up in a spaceship and take that trip.
We kinda have a way with words.
We even start a convo to get at her.
Every other chick becomes a blur.
Be my mrs, I'll be your sir.
I love her, the way she is,
the way she are, my shooting star.
And I pray that you'll never change, never ever change.
Just stay the same cause...

I love just who you are,
I ain't gonna try to change ya.
You are a shooting star,
that's why you are my favorite.

Look up in the sky,
it's a bird, it's a plane.
Nah baby girl,
that's a shooting star with your name.
I ain't gonna lie, I've told a lot of lies
and played a lot of games.
But with you it's not the same,
for you Im'ma ride,
I want you by my side.
I feel like them other boys,
you're playing with my mind.
Im'ma tell you one more time:
For you Im'ma hustle,
for you Im'ma grind.
You were there through the pain.
You stood right by me, thanks to you I survived.
I guess it's true what they say,
love is blind.
We together 'til the day that we die,
'til death do us part.
Baby you my heart,
they can take all the houses and the cars.
But they'll never take my shooting star.

I love just who you are,
I ain't gonna try to change ya.
You are a shooting star,
that's why you are my favorite.

Now as I lay her down to sleep,
pray my lord this girl I keep.
Usually by now with a wedding creep,
with a PYT that I met last week.
But it's something about this one
that make me not have to go get none
asks what I need and it go get done,
and the same thing back so it makes us one.
So in the morning when I roll over,
pray that she's there at my arm and shoulder
And I could be your blanket when the world gets colder.
Watch me make her, watch me mold her.
She got me open like my doors ajar,
heartbeat fast like a stolen car.
I never thought it would go this far,
The night I wished on a shooting star.

I love just who you are,
I ain't gonna try to change ya.
You are a shooting star,
that's why you are my favorite.

<3

"And in the end the love you take, is equal to the love you make." -The Beatles.

I am from now on LIVING and BREATHING this quote. At least, I'm going to try to.

You and I

are more alike than anyone could have ever guessed, more than anyone could have ever seen from the outside.

I'm holding on to what's left of us. I'm not even sure why...It feels like I'm fighting for everything that doesn't exist anymore. I'm afraid that nothing will change between us and we'll just go back to how we were and it'll end up the same way. That's completely pointless.

Help me figure out if we're pointless. Show me that you are able to change.

I will not elaborate on this.

I have given all that I can give to you.
I can't allow myself to give any more. Not yet.
Take it all, or leave everything.
I am not forcing you to do anything.
I won't push myself on you anymore.
You either want all of me or none of me.
Choose already.
If you want to talk to me, call me, text me.
I cannot keep attempting to get answers out of you when all I get is another question.
I want to talk to you every second of every day, but I can't keep bringing myself up just to be let down over and over again.
If you want me in your life, find a way to put me there.
I'm done hurting.
Bye.

Sweet heart, Bitter heart. Now I can't tell you apart.

Thank you for robbing me of my happiness, bitch. I'm so fucking done with you controlling my emotions and affecting how I feel everyday. It's like I'm your favorite toy and you're the three year old who can't get enough playtime with it. You've officially teared me in half. One side loves you and the other side hates you. Thank you SO much. And no matter how much I DO NOT want to hurt you, you are the only one you can thank for this. You should be sorry. Are you?

I know I'll want to erase this after you read it and tell me how much it makes you feel like shit, but that won't erase how I feel. I should be sorry.

But I'm not.

"The bad thing about falling to pieces is that it hurts. The good thing about it is that once you're lying there in shards you've got nothing left to protect, and so you have no reason not to be honest." -David James Duncan.

Dreams.

For the past week, I've been waking up feeling like shit. I've been waking up feeling so sad and empty. I didn't know why until the other morning. Apparently, I've been having this recurring dream that he dies. Now, I know why I feel like crap in the morning.
Anyways, I have this dream book so I decided that I'm going to look up what death means in dreams. And this is what I got:

To dream of seeing any of your people dead warns of coming dissolution or sorrow. Disappointments always follow dreams of this nature. To hear of any friend or relative being dead, you are soon likely to have bad news from some of them. Dreaming of death is rarely predictive and more often than not will signify an exciting or necessary change, sometimes of a deeply psychological nature. Recurrent dreams about death may well signal a need for the dreamer's conscious mind to try to accept what is inevitable.

Greeeeeeeeeat.

Pointless.

Do you wanna know why I hate the cold?
For the longest time, I didn't know why, I just did.
Then recently, I figured it out.

I hate being cold because I get cold when I'm sick. I hate being sick.
I hate being cold because I always get cold when something bad happens to me.

Like for instance, all today I was so freakin' chilly because I think I'm catching a cold.

But, the bigger issue here is the fact that when things go terribly wrong, I'm absolutely freezing. For example, when my grandma died, I got cold.
I hatehateHATEHATE being cold.
It feels like all my blood just disappears and I'm empty.
Maybe it's my body's way of trying to protect itself from the approaching danger? I don't know. But it sucks D:

Let me vent.

Okay, so first off, let's start off what pisses me off the most. CERTAIN people in volleyball *cough cough* NICOLE MARSHALL *cough cough*. You think you're so fucking good, when you don't do shit. Do you know why you don't play? Do you know why you warm the fucking bench? Cause I do. Your attitude sucks, and so do you. Now, another thing that makes me so angry whenever I come home from practice is how pathetic the team is. I don't mean playing wise. I know we're good, when we stay positive and don't get down. I'm talking about the lack of WANT. I can see the lack of desire in everyone's eyes when we play, and it sucks. I love playing volleyball because I love the sport, I love the moment when I get a good set and I can feel this fire in my legs right before I feel like I'm going to explode. And then, I hit the ball and it feels fucking amazing. I don't know if the others feel this way, but I can't tell. It doesn't show, and it makes me so disappointed. I play 'cause I love it, I love winning, I love the satisfaction of it all, I love the adrenaline rush the most. Why do you love it?
Second thing. What the hell? WHERE did you come from? I've talked to you once, and you're ALREADY on my nutsack, asking when we're hooking up and how far we'll go?!? What. The. Fuck. Leave me alone. I don't KNOW you. I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but considering I don't know you at the moment, you're coming off as creepy.
THIRD thing. FATHER! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave me alone. Holy shit. I get it! You want me to do FABULOUS in school. You don't want me to ever quit. And I never have. So be proud of me. All I fucking want from you, is to say that you're proud of me. In a way that's totally random and sincere. Not the kind that's like Blah Blah We're soo proud of you But why don't you study more? God, I have to be perfect for you. Or it's not good enough. I'm NEVER fucking good enough.
Fourth thing, would be about you. I love you. Why can't you accept that? Why can no one accept that? You are the most infuriating and frustrating person I have met. But you give me this amazing feeling in my whole entire body that I am absolutely addicted to. Every time I see you, I get it. Every time I talk about you, I get it. I feel like this blog is the only way I can get through to you. I know you read it. Whatever I put here, are the words I can never tell you face-to-face. I love when you read it, because it feels like you're actually interested in what I have to say. Anyways, back to you...I am so incredibly happy with you, it's insane. Every single day, I wonder what you saw in me that you didn't see in someone else. I had no idea that being with you would feel like this. I feel attached to you. And sorry, no matter how hard you try, you can't shake me(: You need to forget about the past and how, maybe, you've hurt others. I can't stand the fact that what's stopping you to be with me, is the simple and stupid fact that you're afraid of hurting me. I get that, but you are hurting me so much worse by doing this. Your logic doesn't add up. Is there something else you're not telling me? You're killing me slowly, you know that? All I want is to be with you. You're not going to hurt me. I trust you with all that is Rachel Hope Wallin.

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

"From day one I talked about getting out,

But not forgetting about,
How all my worst fears are letting out.
He said why put a new address on the same old loneliness?
When breathing just passes the time,
Until we all just get old and die.
Now talking is just a waste of breath,
And living's just a waste of death.
And why put a new address on the same old loneliness?
And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left."

Do you know that feeling, when your talking to someone and they say one thing that you think hints to something terrible? That universal 'bad feeling in the pit of your stomach'? The feeling you get when someone you care about tells you they're sorry when you don't know what they've done, or the feeling you get when a friend is about to tell you something possibly life-changing. You sense it. You feel it approaching and you get this feeling. Why? What is it? Why do we feel it? Is it our body's way of warning us of something? Or is it normally a false pretense?

It comes spontaneously, without warning. It comes fast, and hard. It comes so fast and hard that you're totally caught off guard. It comes like a slap in the face or a bus crashing into you, tearing you apart. It makes you think, "Holy fuck. That actually happened. It's not a dream, I am not dreaming. It's completely and utterly real."

Whenever I get it, I start thinking. I think too hard. My stomach hurts, as if someone's punched something that isn't there. My heart hurts, as if someone has locked a cage around it and I can't feel anything. The feeling spreads throughout my whole entire body. Before I know it, I'm numb. I'm swallowed by this wave of nothingness that is so extremely heavy. It's the biggest weight on my shoulders but it weighs nothing whatsoever. The numbness continues throughout my body, starting at my core and going through my legs and arms, it even goes to the tip of my toes. It feels like I can't move, I wiggle and move around to see if I'm still there. The only part of me that isn't gone is my head because I'm thinking so intently on what is causing this feeling. It's as if I'm a floating head.

That feeling is ridiculously addicting AND somehow causes the worst pain.

These Walls.

I don't think I've ever let someone get more than close to me. Except those who have known me forever. I feel like I have commitment problems, but I just don't know. I put up such a front for people. I don't like saying the wrong thing, so I prefer to say nothing at all. They think I'm being a bitch, it's just me being shy or honestly not giving a fuck. I don't care much about anything really. Nothing except family, volleyball, BESTfriends, and Mitchell. I don't even know if I can show him the love he deserves. I try, but I feel like I fail. I hate feeling like that, like I'm not enough. I don't know if I can even truly love my friends. I feel like I'm not living up to their standards and that I disappoint them... I hate trying to be this perfect little being for my parents, especially my dad. It's like since he fucked up, he won't let me do it. He won't let me learn from my mistakes because I'm not allowed to make any. It's so much pressure and I hate it. I don't know why people put up with me and the small shit I do. I don't know why I have to not care about anything. It's not like I don't feel emotion about anything, it's just I...don't even know how to explain it. I don't care about anything that doesn't have to do with my life. I'm selfish and I hate it. I'm never satisfied. And I think that other people think it's their fault, it's not, it's mine. I desperately want that bond with someone or more than one person. That bond that I can tell EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to them and they won't judge me or tell me how wrong it is. I'm sick of people telling me I'm wrong about something they have no thoughts about. I'm tired of my parents restricting me and telling me what to do about every single damned thing. I've had enough of not feeling truly wanted. I mean, someone may truly want me. But I don't feel it. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore.
Something's been off lately, and I figured out what it is. It's me. It's all my fault.

I'm such a bitch.

"You and I left our troubles far behind. But I still have just one more question on my mind. "

"With friends like these, who needs enemies?!"

I look back at all my previous entries and laugh at the inferiorness of them compared to what I feel now and how things are different.
When I started this blog, never did I imagine that I would be documenting how quickly shit happens and how things change in the blink of an eye.

This might be kind of awkward to the reader, especially if this isn't meant to you and your just reading it anyway, but I kinda want to tell all the IMPORTANT people in my life how much they mean to me. The ones who've stayed by my side, the ones who've made me laugh until I wanted to pee, the ones who've helped me through the toughest and easiest things and the ones I love. This includes my family, my closest and oldest friends, my friends who never left me, and my friends who are new but will stick with me.

Now, I'm not saying the ones who aren't AS important aren't important. You guys are special to me, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time with you.

I don't know where I'd be without any of you. Thank you for making my life something worthwhile.


"You're the bird, I'm the worm and it's plain to see that we were meant to be."

You know who are. I love you. That will never change. I hope you feel the same way I do. I hope you're as crazy about me as I am about you.


To the ones of my past, thanks for the good times. BUT fuck you for leaving.

ALRIGHT, that's all.

Hurray for fucking up!
Hurray for going backward.
:/


My bad.

Tonight

I can go to sleep with a strange content feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it came from or who caused it, but it's there.

I can say that after reading Go Ask Alice, that I won't ever let myself get that low in life.
Maybe that's it.

Or maybe it's that things finally feel right, like what was supposed to happen has happened.

OR maybe it's what I realized at the end of tonight: That because of my new shampoo, my hair is lighter. Which as a contrast makes my skin look tanner. I had a good hair day today, but no one to share it with. AND I also had a good make-up day.

Oh, how I wish these material things in life didn't matter.

I am the happiest I've been in a while.
All because of you<3
I don't think I've ever been this happy.

Hypocrite?

-A person who indulges in hypocrisy.


Hypocrisy:
-The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

In other words: YOU.
I don't feel so bad anymore about whatever the hell I did because I know you do it too.

The Battle.

Weird, this came to me 3rd period in Algebra 2...I was sitting there and all of the sudden I had a huge urge to write!



8/26/09
It all seems so easy now. What I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. My choice seems pretty obvious at the moment. My heart is for sure set on you. And we should all listen to our hearts, right? But my mind isn't set on you, I KNOW you aren't the safe choice and I KNOW there's a possibility that you could hurt me and leave me broken. I refuse to listen to that. I want to go all out and give you the power to hurt me but trusting you not to. If only I can trust you completely and reasonably, then, that's when you and I both know, I'm yours.

The way I see it: LOVE wins.

I hate you. I hate you for all the things you've done to me. I hate you for all the shit you've said to me. I hate you for all the drama you've caused me. I hate you for all the meaningless crap that has come out of your mouth. I hate how you use me to your liking. I hate how you use others the way you want. I hate how you think it's okay to be an asshole to everybody. I hate how you abuse the life you were given. I hate how you toy with my feelings. I hate how you know how I tick without even trying to know me. I hate how you slipped into my mind so easily. I hate how you don't give a fuck. I hate how you used to call me every night. I hate how I have the sound of your voice imprinted in my brain. I hate how you could care less but care so much. I hate how you called just to say "goodnight". I hate how you made me cry. I hate how I'm crying as I'm writing this. I hate how I have so much to say to you but I can't say anything. I hate how you treat me. I hate you for somehow making me fall for you. I hate you for leaving me for my friend. I hate you for being so flirtatious. I hate you for telling me that you knew you'd like me forever. I hate how I can trust you so easily. I hate how I believe everything you say until your friends make me think otherwise. I hate you for the way you look at me. I hate you for the way you make my heart race. I hate you for the way you hugged me. I hate the way you stuck around. I hate the way I can't stay away from you. I hate the way we fight. I hate the way I can't stay mad at you for more than a day. I hate the way you force me to be mad at you. I hate the way you act like everything's okay, when it's not. I hate the way you can't say "I'm sorry." I hate the way you control people. I hate the way you think you're amazing. I hate that you're right. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way you hypnotize me. I hate the way your poison set in. I hate the way you called me perfect and amazing and beautiful. I hate the way you said "I chose a non-easy girl named Rachel." I hate the way you say my name. I hate how you think you can have me whenever you want me. I hate the way you CAN. I hate how you think you have me on a string. I hate how you DO. I hate when people talk bad about you. I hate how I feel the need to stick up for you. I hate how I think I understand you. I hate how I think I'm the only one. I hate the way I feel when I hear your name. I hate when you talk to other girls. I hate how I wish you'd only talk to me. I hate how I should hate you, but I don't.

Not a single bone, muscle, cell, nerve or thing in my body hates you. I could never hate you. And I never will. I hate that.

Even after all the things I "hate" about you; I still manage to love you. Do you realize that? The amount of love in my heart that you possess even though you shouldn't? I find something about you irresistible...and I love that. This feeling, that I can't explain no matter how hard I try, isn't going away. It's never going away. And I realize now at 12:28 AM on Thursday August 20th, 2009 that this feeling is real. It's undeniable and I can't deny it. This, whatever it is, is so strong.

This is far from fantasy and I'm fucking scared.

This door leads to nowhere...

I'm afraid to be left alone because I'm terrified of the thoughts that envelope my brain and take over my head. I'm afraid of this feeling I get. I'm afraid, and it's all your fault.
If you would've just left me alone. If you would've just not cared about me...I would've gave up on you a long time ago.

If, if, IF.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.

You have me exactly where you want me, and you know it. Don't leave me. I'm begging you to stay. If you do nothing I ask expect for one thing, that's what I want. I want you to stay. If you leave, I don't know what will become of me.

You will finally ruin me.

The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side.

Why. Why, why, why? WHY?
"Why do you like him?"
"What do you see in him?"
"Why do you care about him?"
"How can you like someone like that?"
"Tell us, because we honestly don't get it."
Here's the answer to all of the above: I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know why I like him. I just do. I don't know what I see in him, but I see something. I don't know why why I care about him, but I care a whole damn lot. I don't know how I can like someone so mean and devious, but apparently it's possible.
Do you think I asked for this? Do you think I asked to be pushed and shoved around? Do you honestly think I KNOW how this happened?!
Because I don't.

Fatal Attraction.

I have NEVER let a boy get to me like you do. My reactions revolve around you. My every thought consists of you and hardly nothing else. You have so much power over me it's ridiculous. You may even have more power than you ever thought imaginable. You drive me crazy. You make me insane. I don't know what to do with you anymore. If I was Superman, you'd be the kryptonite. If I was deadly allergic to bees, you would've already stung me. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more of this feeling I can endure.

Fuck.
And you're the only one that can save me.

Fall back on what remains.

I'm seriously starting to think I'm masochistic. Not in the physical way, God no. The mental way. I fall for more than one man at a time and then continue to fall harder and harder until I can't decide which one I like more. I always do it. I'm afraid I'll always be under this terrible curse, of being indecisive. I can't keep this up. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to myself. I need to stand up, look one of you in the eyes and say You aren't good for me. I may not owe it to you, to hurt you like that, but I sure as hell owe it to myself. I need to make my authority known. I'm tired of being the puppet, the one being controlled by the strings. This time I want to control them.
So, this is me screaming for the world to hear that I will not be played, controlled, or manipulated into making a decision. I'm choosing what's best for me, what's going to feel right, and what will hurt worse. I'm not choosing who I've known longer, or who has hurt me less. I'm choosing who I can't live without, who I can't stand not being around.

-I'm tired of fighting against the grain, against these undeniable feelings that I can't seem to push away. I can't do it any longer. I can't act like I don't care about you with such a burning desire. I can't pretend that we don't have something. I can't even hate you after the countless times you've pushed me away and fucked me over. I strongly believe that you were scared, more scared than you've ever been in your entire life. Knowing that you have this strong wall built around you so no one could get in, you thought you were protected. But still, you were frightened that I could possibly get in so easily with hardly any effort. And that's exactly what happened, wasn't it? We met, and I broke down your wall. I came crashing in and you suddenly weren't protected anymore. So you did what you do best, you ran. You ran from these uncontrollable feelings you had for me, and you ran from me. You didn't know what else to do, and I honestly don't blame you. But even running couldn't protect you from me. From what you still felt. You tried to deny it and you did the best you could but you failed. No matter, what you say or do, you can't deny it anymore. You can't deny ME. I won't let you. I'm going to make you fess up to how you feel, whether you like it or not. You aren't getting away from this. I know the type of person you are or the type of person you pretend to be. You are the kind of guy who can't possibly fall in love, you're wayyy too cool. Getting high and drunk is how you get away from the real world and the real feelings you have. Having meaningless sex is how you attempt to control your heart. Let me tell you a secret, it's not working. I'm going to do everything in my power to help you realize that this isn't a bad thing. That what you feel is who you are.

-It pains me to know that you worry about losing me. It hurts even worse to know that what we have is extremely hard to find and that I'm willing to throw it all away. I have never let anyone in so easily like I have for you. I don't have much to say, because I've said it all to you. I love you, I will always love you. I've never admitted to this but some days I wish we were adults so we could get married. You can't even begin to understand how badly I want you in my life forever. I can see us going beyond our teenage years and that scares me and makes me the happiest girl alive at the same time. You've let me down in the past and now you promise that it won't ever happen again...but what if it's me who let's you down this time? What if I hurt you beyond repair? That will kill me inside. Behind every bitch, is a man that made her that way. Did you know that was you? I bet you didn't. But did you know that you are the only one who can reverse it? You mean the universe to me and I can't stand the fact that if I make the wrong choice, you'll be gone. Forever out of my reach. You make my heart swell until it feels like there is no room for air in my lungs. You make me lose my mind. You fill me up with love. I can honestly say that you make me beyond happy. Nothing feels right when I'm not with you. I wish I could trust you enough this time around. My choice might be just a little easier then.

I won't let go. I can't let go.

Lately, I haven't had much to write about because nothing is wrong for once.
And that's what I normally base my entries on, my emotions.

I want to try to tell people how I feel about them, slowly but surely.



1. You've stood by my side through everything. Even when times were tough. Even when I didn't stand by you. I cannot thank you enough for being such a wonderful person and best friend to me. I love you.

2. I told you I hated players. Stop trying to get with me. I'm not gonna put out like all the other sluts you've been with.

3. I don't know why I care about you so much, and I don't know why I love you. All I do know is that we've tried this, us, and it doesn't work. Maybe no matter what we'd like to think, what I refuse to think, is that we're just not supposed to happen. We're not supposed to be together. I'm sorry. It sucks, I know. Maybe once you love yourself you can love me. You can't love ANYBODY unless you love yourself. Hit me up when that happens.

4. I wish you'd tell me secrets. The thing you don't realize is that it hurts when you don't tell me things. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy enough or that you don't trust me. Even though you say you do.

5. I miss you so bad it hurts. I miss both of you! WE miss you. You know, those girls you practically grew up with. We've known you guys since fucking 1st grade. Don't you think that's a little much to throw away?! I guess not, cause both of you did. And you did it like we meant nothing. That's a slap in the face. No, that would've been better than being tossed to the curb like trash. 'Best friends' my ass.

6. I tried so fucking hard to know you from the inside out. It obviously didn't work or I wouldn't be bitching about it. You don't know how much it hurt to be shut out by you. My friends say I'm ruining your life, and I ask myself "How?" 'Cause even though I've tried to convince you that you're not a fuck up, I'm starting to believe that, to say the least, you're heartless.

7. You never judge me. I'm pretty sure you're one out of five that don't. You're a rare friend and I'm so glad that you've been my friend for so long. Even if we drift apart, you are someone I will stick up for no matter what. I'm almost certain I don't deserve a friend like you.

8. I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you with my heart. Again. Please prove me wrong. I'm absolutely terrified that this is going to be another case of deja vu. I can honestly say you are the only boy I've ever loved and fell in love with. I can see you and me going far in this life. I don't want any one else to look at me the way you do. Despite the feelings that take over my thoughts, I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready for this.

∆

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness
I wonder if you have the same dreams, too
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world, four winds blowing through her hair
This life's to good to last and I'm to young to care
I only dream of you, and you never knew
Remember when I said I love you? Well, forget it, I take it back.
You possess every trait that I lack, by coincidence or by design
And she said na na na na na I just forgot you were there
On your machine I slur a plea for you to come come home
It's alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Look to the past and remember a smile and maybe tonight I can breathe for a while
When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know your alive
They call it love, it may be premature, but they don't need excuses
It feels like lightening running through my veins every time I look at you
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
You write such pretty words, but life's no story book. Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.
Fingertips have memories, Mine can't forget the curves of your body.

Random,

I just found an old quote that I saved on my Photobucket a long ass time ago, and it made me think of how I am today...
It's unfortunate that people take advantage of the things that make up most of their lives. I live my life according to others, and always make sure that I'm happy. If I'm not, then you'll know. I wear my feelings on my sleeves and see through people extremely well. The instant I'm uncomfortable around you, I'll be gone.

I will allow someone to love me.

I seem to be having trouble forgetting the past...

"When there's something you want, fight for it, don't give up--no matter how hopeless it seems, even when you've lost hope, cause years from now you're gonna look back and wish you gave it one more shot cause the best things in life don't come easy."

"What is love? Love is when your heart stops every time you see him. Love is looking at him and seeing your future. Love is having your heart broken when he doesn't love you back. But yet, love always seems to find you again, when you want nothing to do with it."

"I miss the way you acted like me sun, brightening up my day."

"Silence is pure.
It draws people together because only those
who are comfortable with each other
can sit without speaking."

"Jealousy is nothing more than a lack of self-confidence."

"You're the definition of the absolute best, and you're the reason I get through life when it's a total mess."

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

"I don't ever want to steal your time 'cause you seem fine but I feel blue. I don't want to say the things I do because I know I feel it more than you."

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say, I can't tell you anymore."

"Somewhere deep in your heart is someone that you're dying to forget but also living to remember."

"People do things everyday that could kill them. It doesn't mean they want to die."

"Out of everyone I've met, it's you I can't forget."

Stargirl;

"He says the world is a bad place
but I've seen him on the high dive,
the pride in his eyes."

"You close your eyes and you remember. You focus and you concentrate and you remember harder than you've ever remembered in your life, and pretty soon you're sure you can feel me there, sitting across from you, smiling at you. You experience me. You relive us. You're so happy. And then so sad when you open your eyes and realize I'm not really there. That's when you miss me the most. Desperately. Tell me I didn't imagine it. Tell me that even though our bodies were in separate places, our star selves shared an enchanted place. Tell me that right around noon you had the strangest sensation: a tiny chill on your shoulder...a flutter in the heart...a shadow of how it felt when we touched...
Tell me you whispered my name."

"Live today. Don't cheat yourself out of today. Don't get stuck on something that happened yesterday. Today is calling, trying to get your attention, but you're awaiting tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone, forever. It's now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you'll never know because you wasted today."

"Every day brings a new memory of something we did a year ago. A parade of unhappy anniversaries."

Dear Best Friend,

11 years I've known you and watched you change, 10 years I've called you my best friend. What happened? Just thinking about you makes me want to cry. You were the first one I'd call when something happened, you were the one I shared every single one of my secrets with. You never, ever told any of my secrets to anyone, no matter who it was about. You were the one who I bossed around in the sandbox when we were younger. And the one I warned when you had chocolate all over your face, and then proceeded to laugh at you like it was the funniest thing in the world. You were the one I grew up with and the one I wore matching outfits on the first day of school with. You were the one who I trick-or-treated with every single Halloween. You were my first true best friend. Ever since the first day of preschool, you've always been there for me. You were my shoulder to cry on when I was sad, as I was yours. Your home was my second home and my parents were like your second set. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. We never left each others sides. We fought like sisters, but couldn't stay mad at each other. You were my sister, besides the blood part. I love you with all my heart. I miss you so much, more than I've ever missed a friend. I feel like I've lost you. I know that over the years we've changed and we started liking different things, but did that mean we had to grow apart? It makes me so sad to think that I had the best of the best for a friend and then lost her. I miss you, Ashley. I miss all of our laughs and inside jokes. I miss all the pictures we took, documenting our childhood. I wish you didn't only want to talk about yourself all the time. I wish you were still interested in my life. I want so badly to catch up with you and know everything that's been going on. I want to tell you everything that's happened with me this past year because I know that just like when we were 10 you'd just sit and listen. Because you're still the same girl I met on the swings, even though your priorities are a little messed up.

Thank you so much for showing me what a true friendship is like. I will always love you no matter how far apart we become.

Love, the one who's always been there.

Soo, I love it;

How even after a week in Arizona, I still manage to find annoyances in the people around me. And how immediately when I get home, the people I needed to get away from in the beginning continue to annoy me. It's like a never ending cycle. Someone SAVE ME. At least I have you to talk to for all those days when I feel my sanity slipping. You're my life-preserver right now(:

Shit son, this past weekend was pretty fun though. I needed that.
Did I mention that I loveeee ASHLEA SMITH. Fuck, without her I would've been dumb stupid and bored out of my freakin' mind on that trip.

This letter bomb:

So let's set this place on fire 'cause I've never felt so cold as when I shivered at the thought of growing old. So let's make this house our pyre 'cause I've never felt so cold as when I shivered at the thought of growing old with you.

You played me like a 45 revolving quickly out of style. I dreamed to be your symphony, not another tune that's lost in time.

But don't feel bad 'cause I convinced myself I knew it all along.

Your warm brown eyes on summer nights couldn't protect me from this chill. But how can I be so surprised, all good things must end in their own time.

So when I fall asleep tonight turn up that gas and we ignite. Just give me that one reason why, reason why.

So here I stand with heart in hand, our lives unfold and it explodes. We never had the slightest chance this letter bomb was sealed and stamped. The same old song is all we hum as we go down in flames.

[][][][]

You make me insane. There are days where I can't even believe I'm related to you and where I just want to get up and leave and never come back. Then there are days where I understand your point of view and I know you're just trying to push me in the right direction. But that's hardly ever.

I can't even begin to understand what you do and what the reason is behind your actions. These past few days, I can't stand being around you and I can hardly look at you. I don't want to be around you. I want you to leave me alone. I don't like you. I don't want you in a ten foot radius of me. I want you to leave and stay away from me and her. I want you to apologize to her and what you've done. I want you to realize how fucked up in the head you are and fix yourself.

I want you to stop overreacting. I want you to stop being so damn loud. I want you to grow the fuck up. I want you to stop being so overprotective. I want you to let me live my life the way I want to!

You can make me so angry, like no one else can. You make me want to tear your face off when you get all up in mine. You make me want to push you. You don't realize how annoying you are.

I wish you would burn in hell. Only sometimes.

I know I'd cry if you really did though because I love you. I can't and won't change that, ever.

What you have,

is what you get.
You don't get 3 lives. Only one.
So live it up, to the absolute fullest. Don't have any regrets. Look on the bright side of any given situation. Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay then it's not the end. Push through the hard times and I promise you, it will be worth it in the end.
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of those who just CAN'T see the good in life.
You all should be fucking grateful, you're actually alive and healthy.

But then again, if you really don't give a shit about your life...Why should I try to convince you that it's something to be thankful for?

I miss you, so much.

"You used to call me your angel, said I was sent straight down from heaven. You'd hold me close in your arms, I love the way you felt so strong. I never wanted you to leave. I wanted you to stay here holding me. I miss you, I miss your smile. And I still shed a tear every once in a while. And even though it's different now, you're still here somehow. My heart won't let you go and I need you to know, I miss you."

I don't know how any of you have dealt with family members dying, but I for one, handle them terribly. I miss her so much, it hurts every day. She only got to see me live 14 measly years of my life. Half of which I didn't appreciate how much she did for me, or how much she loved me. I remember her always calling me to see how I was doing. When it came to my dad knocking on my door, telling me she wanted to talk, I would just groan and roll my eyes and talk for 5 minutes, tops. What a selfish, naive, stupid kid.

You honestly don't know how much I want to go back and APPRECIATE the little things she did.

But I can't, she's gone forever.