Uhm, Hello..?

Can you say SunitaIsAGoddessThatPoursMagicalWordsFromHerMouthAndPutsThemOnHerBlog? Everything she says, I feel the. Exact. Same. Way.





Hello, it’s me again just here to tell you, yet again, what you have done to me. I honestly think you have ruined me for other guys. Because of you, I can’t trust anyone of the opposite sex. When a guy compliments me, I can’t accept it and say thank you, I have to question it. You have made me so insecure and you could care less. You don’t know how many scars you’ve left here. I hate how it’s so easy for you to just move on with your life and I’m here dealing with all the pain you’ve left me. You go around acting like you’ve done nothing, like nothing ever happened and I can’t comprehend it. Everything on the face of this earth reminds me of you and it’s depressing. I went to see New Moon the other day with a few of my friends and the whole time I was watching it, I was thinking “Why can’t I have someone like Edward Cullen?” Unlike you, he LOVES Bella and would do just about anything for her. I know he’s just a character in a movie and a protagonist in a book, but I’m sure there’s someone in this cold hearted world like him. I really hope there is.

But you know what? The truth is, I don’t want someone else like him. I want you. But you can’t see that. You don’t get it and I don’t understand that. I feel like I’ve written this all before and it’s like it’s a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again. God, I really don’t get you. I can’t bring myself to understand why you do the things you so easily do, and it seems to me that you don’t have a care in the world while you’re accomplishing your deeds. You can so easily break me down in what you say and what you don’t say and you don’t give a shit. I was talking to my friend Rachel about this today because you see, you and Mitchell are exactly alike. You two both have girls that love you more than life itself and you treat us like shit. As I was talking to her about it, she said you guys were born like that and I thought it was your insecurities. This is just my theory. Maybe you guys are born like that and no matter how hard we try to change you into someone better than the person you are, we just can’t. It may sound bad that we’re trying to change you into someone you’re not, but the person you are now is horrible. You cause us pain without caring. You know exactly what you’re doing, you just don’t care. Anyway, as we were talking, we brought up Morganne and her boyfriend Jesse and you want to know what Rachel said? Her exact words were “Yeah, Jesse’s a fucking god compared to our men. He treats Morganne so well.”

We girls go through so many changes for you guys and you don’t notice. We would change anything about us if you asked us to but it’s impossible for you to simply change your attitude towards us. Once again, I don’t get it. All I’m saying is, you can’t keep treating us like shit because I promise you, one day we will get over you. You will realize that all you really wanted was standing right in front of you and she gave you her love and support no matter what. And when you finally get it, once you truly think about how stupid you were, we won’t want you. We’ll have someone else who can actually accept us and our love. And what about you? You’ll feel the exact same pain that we felt everyday in the past…-Sunita Shelly<3

All I've ever wanted....was you.

“Your words are full of honesty, the kind I breathe, the kind that cuts me deep. And I am grasping for air, I’m gasping for air now. Yesterday feels like a fresh wound, still I insist it’s just a flesh wound. This is my reply for all the pain you put me through. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Looking back at all the words I sent you, I’m doing my best to forget you. But it still remains your name, the bitter taste on my tongue. I can’t forget your kiss, or the venom on your lips. This is gonna leave a scar, I am wounded.”

So here I am, breaking my promise. I keep writing about you even when I say I'm not going to. You were right, I AM a compulsive liar...but not about the things you accused me of. I can't even imagine writing about any other boy with the same intensity and feeling as I do with you. It's just impossible for me to think about. I'm here because I'm honestly tired of this. I can't stress it enough. I don't ever want to love another besides you. It kills me to even think about you telling other girls the things you once said to me. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I wish we could completely start over, a clean slate. Maybe then, we could do it right.

So here I am, in all my fatality, giving every last part of me to you. Screaming at you from the inside how much I love you, how much I can't stop loving you. Ignoring you on the outside because I can't take the pain you cause me any longer. Telling you that I love you, and deep down I know, I always will. Knowing that it's not good enough for you. And learning that I will have to deal with it and live with this painful fact for the rest of my life.

And here you are, not even acknowledging my existence because all I ever was to you was the girl who loved you irrevocably.

Oh, you know, don't sweat it. It doesn't hurt THAT bad when I don't think about it.

Despite what I've said. Despite the things I said I was going to do.
I can't. I'm completely lying to myself.

I'm going to keep telling myself that I can do this.
Maybe one day I'll actually start to believe it.

If It Means A Lot To You...

YOU: And hey darling, I hope you're good tonight and I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving. Yeah I want it, but no, I don't need it. Tell me something sweet to get me by 'cause I can't come back home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la. Till everyone is singing... If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best..

ME: And hey sweetie, well, I need you here tonight and I know that you don't want to be leaving me. Yeah you want it, but I can't help it: I just feel complete when you're by my side. But I know you can't come home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la.

YOU: Till everyone is singing: la, la la la, la la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best...

ME: You know you can't give me what I need. And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything.

BOTH: Is this really happening?!

ME: I swear I'll never be happy again! And don't you dare say we can just be friends.

YOU: I'm not some boy that you can sway. We knew it'd happen eventually...

La, la la la, la la la. Now everybody's singing: la, la la la, la la la..

Thank you ADTR, you've made it oh so very clear to me.

untitled,

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, it was never meant to be. If it does, love it forever."

What about those of us who were fucking retarded when the something we loved returned but instead of loving it forever, we questioned it? What happens to those of us who set it free, it came back, we didn't take it, now it's gone, and finally we want it back?

I guess those of us are the sore losers who never knew what we had when we had it.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.

I promise you that I haven't always been like this. I haven't always been this hard on the outside, hard on the inside kind of girl. I used to be different but loving you has made me into this person I absolutely hate. I'm so unhappy now because of you. I hate things I've never hated and I love things that I used to hate. I need things that were useless to me before. I would do anything to anyone it if meant I had you. What makes you so fucking special? Why are YOU the sole giver of my happiness? I've pushed myself to limits I didn't even know I had because of you. I've changed myself to conform to your type. That's not okay with me. I used to be this person who wouldn't let boys get in the way of every single thing. And now I am that person. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of who I was before you, but that means vulnerability. And I cannot be vulnerable around you or anyone else. I'm trying so damn hard to be happy and forget you and I do so well up to a certain point: when you squeeze yourself right back to where you were or when you tear everything down that I've worked so hard to put up. Whenever things are starting to look up, you come around and RUIN everything for me. Whenever I start to be happy without you, you have to snatch away my happiness. I am so over your games. I am so over your sick little mind. I am so over what you've put me through. It's not healthy. And after everything that has happened...I still think that it's all my fault. That I could have done something to change the way you act now. The only thing I've done is show you, in the best possible way that I can, how much I love you. I can't do much more than that. I'm tired of all of this meaningless bullshit between us now. We have nothing. We won't have anything ever again. And I'm afraid we never had anything to begin with. I need you more than you need me. I love you more than you love me. I want you more than you want me. My head and my heart have played a devious trick on me. I'm going to convince myself that what we had was nothing, I never had REAL feelings for you, vice versa, and that you aren't worth my time. I'm done being the only one with real, true feelings here. If they only go one-way, I don't want any part of it anymore. I'm going to do everything in my power to get over you, forget everything that went on between us, and move on. I'm going to try my hardest to find the girl I lost to you.

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you could possibly want. This will be the hardest thing that I will have to do. I hope you understand.

Bye, this will be the last thing I write about you.

"Often it's the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them." -Unknown.

I am thankful for....

Morganne Juarez, Julianna Durden, and Sunita Shelly

You guys are my best friends. Without you in my life, I would be a completely different person. I love the person you guys have made me. Each one of you has taught me things about life, love and pretty much everything else; things I wouldn't have learned from anyone. You are all so strong in your own individual way and I admire that. With everything that life has thrown at you, you've kept pushing. Everyday I spend with you guys is a new adventure. You make me laugh until my stomach and my face ache. You give me advice on what to do when it seems like my world is falling apart. And most importantly, you've all been there for me when I needed you. All of you have helped me up when I've fallen down, and I will be forever grateful. Not to get all mushy, but all three of you will hold a special place in my heart until I die. No matter what. I cannot tell you how much I love you all. You guys are everything I could ever ask for as best friends. "Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." Morganne, Jules, and Sunita...you have left your footprints <33333333

Girls Get Screwed;;;

Not that kind of screwed,
what I mean is,
they're always
on the short
end of
things.

The way things work, how
guys feel great, but
make girls feel
cheap for doing
exactly what
they beg
for.

The way they get to play
you, all the while
claiming they
love you and
making you
believe it's
true.

The way it's okay to gift
their heart one day, a
backhand the next, to
move on to the apricot
when the peach
blushes and
bruises.

These things make me believe
God's a man, after all.

Second Chance.

I need to know that I'm allowed a legitimate second chance. I need to know that if I ever need you, you'll be there. I cannot stress it enough. You are the sole person that I want to be with and the only being alive to make me confusingly, gushingly happy. YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY READ THE WORDS I WRITE. You don't comprehend them. Everything I say, I feel it ten times magnified. You are the only person who can make my heart thump as wild and crazy as it does. When I'm around you, my insides go crazy. When I think about you, I cannot stop no matter how hard I try. I need to know that a part of you still feels like this. I need to know if we can ever be again. I need to know if a part of me is worth fighting for.

She went inside

I wasn't sure if I felt more
disappointed or relieved.
_________ really had him.

So I shouldn't want him.

Should I?

I didn't really want his perfect
pout, reaching hungrily
for my own timid lips.

I didn't have a clue how to

kiss.

Didn't really want his hands,
investigating the hills
and valleys of my landscape.

I'd never been touched by

a boy.

Didn't want his face,
burrowing into my hair,
finding my neck. Tasting.

I'd never even said hello to such

a complete stranger.

Didn't want his smoke,
making me gag, making me
want to taste something so gross.

It was all so confusing,

I mean,

I didn't want a boyfriend,
no summer fling to make
me want to stay in this alien place.

Anyway, I'd be speechless

if he asked.

Not My Type

"No shirt

hot bod.
His, that is.
So why did
I break out in
a sweat?

No shoes

barefoot,
bare chest, with
a bare, baby face
to make the
angels sing.

Nothing

but ragged
cut-offs,
hugging a
tawny six pack,
and a smile.

No pin-up

pretty boy
could touch,
a smile that
zapped every cell.
He was definitely

not my type."

I wish when you wrote blogs about people, they were sent a notification so they'd immediantly read it.

"I'm a real big fan of yours but I'm quite the joke to you. But girl it wasn't a joke when you kissed me in your room and replied 'I love you too'. I'm a little bit insecure from all of these mistreat-ments but see I'm working it out. I'm working it out, it's so damn hard when your alone. I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you. And I get to the point where all I wanted was for us to make up, but its not that easy 'cause girl, you move on so quickly. Keeping a boy like me, at the edge of his seat and I know everything you do is all about your perfect image. Well I hope this song, it helps your image. Haha, I'm so over you now. I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you. And I was the one who thought I was the strong one. You proved me wrong. Now I'm singing along to every song on the radio. I don't wanna go, come on baby tell me something I wanna know and I don't wanna see what is on my mind 'cause its lack of motivation is taking over my time and I'm sick of trying. All together now! I am running out of words to say to you. I wonder even why I'm wasting my time. I'm thinking back and wondering why I'm such a fool for loving you."

Tell me if I'm wasting my time or not. Because I'm not about to let you make a fool out of me for waiting around for someone who won't come. You say you don't care to them? Really?! Cause that's not what you told me...I'm done playing games with you. Make up your fucking mind. In the past month or so, I've watched you change back into the guy you were when I first met you. You're becoming the guy I want nothing to do with. And I'm hating every second of it because you can't hate and love someone at the same time.

Verdict.

It feels good to not have a main gusto at the moment...it's always so stressful and filled with drama. I like the feeling of not worrying about what I wear to impress others and worrying about if what I just said sounded stupid. It's nice. I get to focus on things that have been previously neglected like my family, and my friends. I mean don't get me wrong, I still really really really like you (you know who you are) but we don't talk so it's kind of a mutual feeling of basically nothing, if that makes sense. I love being with a guy and I'm so used to it that now I'm not, it's new and exciting and I like it. For once, I feel no pressure to do anything. It's great.

I've said this once, and I'll say it again: I'm done trying to force myself on you. If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
'Nuff said.

I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I've done this to myself. I cannot believe I've managed to ruin everything good for myself. The only person I can blame everything on is myself. I can't blame the alcohol, the weed, the E, the friends, or the frustration. I've read what I wrote in the summer about you and I'm bewildered on how I saw that coming. I'm even more confused on why I didn't take full action when I had the chance. You have no idea how mad I am at myself. I'm furious that I pushed you away and that I pushed your boundaries. I'm so fucking mad that I let it get this bad. I'm mad that I let my frustration and my anger get in the way of us. I'm angry that I single-handedly ruined what I had with you. I'm so sorry for everything. I can't say it enough. I'm sorry for being a stupid bitch and I'm sorry for getting mad at stupid things. When you asked me to do simple things that would make our relationship better, I'm sorry for not doing them right away. I'm sorry for fucking things up. I should've taken advantage of my time with you. Instead, I took it for granted. I didn't live up to my full potential with you and I didn't give you everything I had. I only half-assed it because I was scared. I hesitated admitting my feelings for you because I didn't know if you felt the same. I second guessed everything and I'm sorry. If I could rewind time and make everything right, don't think I wouldn't. Because I so would. I would do anything to make us right. I would kill to hear you say I love you to me, just once more. I would absolutely love one last chance with you.




I take full responsibility for the condition of my heart.
I will never forgive myself for this.

†

So after looking at every single post about him, I find it ridiculous that something so great and wonderful could turn so badly so fast.
No one can change the fact that I am deeply in love with you, not even you. You can't tell me to leave you alone thinking that will reverse everything. I don't feel like myself anymore because of you and because of what you're doing to me. I can't allow myself and my feelings to be thrashed around like this any longer. I feel like I have to either love you and you accept it so we could go back or I have to somehow break my heart all over again and let someone else put it back together. I'm so extremely done with feeling like shit everyday, with expressing my feelings for you and getting absolutely no feedback. I'm so done with feeling not good enough for you.
This is the only way I can tell you how I feel without me being interrupted or getting it turned back on me.

End of story, I'd rather be fighting with you than kiss someone else. But this has gone on too long. A girl can only cry so many tears and feel like shit for so long.

I want to be irresistibly desired by you.

Is it too much to ask for? Is it too much too be happy? It seems like I'm trying SO hard to find someone who will treat me right and someone who will never let me fall. But I always end up going back to you. Why is that? Why does my heart love you unconditionally? Why does my brain love you to no end?! I have the worst time answering the question, "Why do you love him?" because I honestly can't name a certain thing. It's just you. I love YOU and I love all of you. I want to feel the feeling you give me everyday for the rest of my life. I want you for my own forever. And despite certain circumstances, nothing has changed. I still love you as much as when I first realized I truly did and I always will. Maybe the only way I'm going to be happy is if I'm with you.


"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." --Robert Frost.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye--It could be for the last time and it's not right. "Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said. Alone and far from home, I'll find you...Dead--like a candle, you burned out. Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words. Scream--to be heard, like you needed any more attention. Throw the bottle, break the door and disappear. Sing me to sleep. I'll see you in my dreams, waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry." Forever's never seemed so long, as when you're not around it's like a piece of me is missing. I could have learned so much from you, but what's left now? Don't you realize you showed this family a world of pain? Can't you see there could have been a happy ending and we let go. Sing me to sleep. I'll see you in my dreams, waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry." Sing me to sleep. You've taken so much with you...I'll see you in my dreams. But left the worst with me...Waiting to say, "I miss you, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Hush little baby, don't you cry.

Here it comes. The tears build up until they spill over the edge. The burning sensation behind my eyes...deep down. My eyes sting, filling up with salt water, blurring my vision and clogging my other senses and then the feeling travels down into my nose. They finally escape, they yell FREEDOM, and slowly explore the soft skin under my eyes, gaining speed they fall faster down my cheeks. Sometimes they take a detour on my nose and fall off the tip or they continue down my cheek into the corner of my mouth where my tongue can't resist the urge to taste the saltiness of sadness, that is, if I let them go that far. If I don't swipe them away from the peering eye. All the while, their upsetting journey is filled with the silent scream of your name.

Welcome to the heart breaking life of my tears.

I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I don't get it. I had to deal with it last year and now, it's ten times worse. I'm so in love with you that this is killing me. I don't know why I had to fall in love with you. I wish I could rewind a year and tell myself to never fall for you, to never let you get close to me because all you've ever caused me is drama, hatred and heartbreak. I wish I could erase all of those precious memories that I've held so close. I wish I didn't give a damn about any part of you. No matter how badly I wish I never met you and how I wish you'd go away forever and I could simply forget, I can't. I can't get over you and I can't even begin to understand where to start. I can't imagine my life without you. I've never been this torn up inside over anyone. Despite everything's that has happened between you and me, I could never ever change my feelings for you. You really don't understand that. You don't get how crazy I am over you. I wish everything could go back to how it was. I don't even know what went wrong and why it went wrong so badly. I've never wanted to be with anyone as much as I want to be with you. I would do anything for you. I wish we could compromise on how to fix our problems. I wish we talked it out. I wish you felt the same.

A little thing.

Let me tell you a little thing about LOVE.
They say it's the ultimate feeling in the world, that you've never experienced anything until you've truly loved. The dictionary defines love as practically nothing. It doesn't embody the full extreme emotion that is with you in your heart constantly. It doesn't come even remotely close. The dictionary defines it like this, "any object of warm affection or devotion or liking", "a strong positive emotion of; affection or pleasure", and even, "a score of zero in tennis or squash: It was 40-love!" In reality, love is characterized by the desire to want good things for that person no matter what. You're willing to work out your problems together. You can hardly breathe when you're around them. Even though you may see them all the time or hardly ever, it's as if you get that rush of what you felt when you got your first kiss all over again. It's when you KNOW that other person doesn't deserve any part of you, but none of that matters, you want to be with them regardless of the past. When you shake and cry from an anxiety attack at the thought of them being lost and gone forever. It's when after everything that has happened between the two of you, all the shit that's been said and done, and when you shouldn't like them any longer, you still do. You can't imagine your life without them and you refuse to. And no matter how hard you try to get over them, you simply just can't. Your heart won't allow it.
The Greeks had their own definitions for the different types of love. Agape love is unconditional love. It is love by "choice" even if you are not pleased. Philia love is the dispassionate virtuous love, guided by our likes or our healthy or unhealthy needs and desires. Storge is the word for family love and the physical show of "affection", the need for physical touch. Eros is the physical "sexual" desire, intercourse. After figuring those out, I concluded that when you acquire all four types of love for one sole person, you find true love.
I've heard so many lies and bullshit about love that sometimes I'm afraid I'll blur the lines of what love is or what it isn't. But then again, your own definition of love is how you should look at it.
Sorry to break it to you but those of you who are naive and think love is this wonderful thing where everything is perfect and the gorgeous princess gets to be with the charming prince, you are wrong. Let me tell you a little thing about love, it's a brutal, confusing as fuck, heart-wrenching, beautiful competition. When it all boils down, each person plays games with the other person's mind regardless if it's a good game or a bad game. More times out of none, it's all just a fluke. He may say he loves you a 1,000 times but in the end he could just leave you, despite what he's told you. Everyone and anyone can do whatever the fuck they want and sometimes they will. He can treat you like his world one week and then treat you like shit for a month. Girls, we allow it, I don't know why, but we do. You boys fuck around with our heads. You could do something so shitty and unforgivable but then when you do a simple thing like kiss us on the forehead, it just erases the terrible thing you've just done out of our memories. I'm not saying girls aren't guilty of this either. We fuck around with boys' egos, we play with jealousy even more. What I'm saying is: love is a game. It has the biggest reward and can cause the worst downfall. If you win, you get it all. You get the happiness, the holding hands, the kissing, the hugs where you can't let go, the cuddling, the hanging out just the two of you, the love, the laughs, the everything. You get to be with someone who you love and love every second of it. If you lose, you get the heartbreak, the tears, the makeup stains, the sobs, the hiccups, the dread, the feeling of emptiness, the loneliness, the hatred towards the other person, the part where you miss them crazily, and the part where you see them around town and your whole world, that you so thoughtfully reconstructed, falls down all over again.
Let me tell you a little thing about the game of love, I lost.

Uh-oh.

I honestly have never felt this desperate in my life.
I have absolutely no idea what you want me to do. I don't know what it will take for you to forgive me. And I don't know how much more of this I can take. You're crushing me, stomping on me and kicking me to the curb. I feel like a pathetic little ball of nothing. All I want is you to forgive me and for us to go back to the way we were. That's all I want! I want you back, despite my bitchy words I'm falling apart without you. Nothing's right, and I need you in my life. You BELONG there. This isn't fair to me. I'm so terribly sorry for everything. I want you to explain to me why you care so much that I did what I did. I want you to confess why you're so mad at me.
I'm scared shitless that if you do ever forgive me, nothing will be the same. We won't return to what we were and we won't feel the same. I'm scared that we'll be over for good. Just that thought makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. I hope you realize how afraid I am of losing you.

I'm hopeless.

You know

how I've been saying this whole time that you were going to be the one to ruin me?





Congratulations.
You have successfully broken me, tore me apart, and made me the most emotionless being alive.

I hope you're satisfied.

THIS DOESN'T MEAN SHIT ANYMORE. I NEVER GOT TO POST IT WHEN IT DID.

10/19/09
I'm restraining myself from writing ANOTHER blog about you. I can't do it anymore, I'm going to pour my heart out in this post right here. It's going to take a couple days but I'm starting it now, just as a head start kinda. I will add to it as I think of things to say about you, about how you make me feel, about the way you amaze me and about the way you frustrate me to no extent. I'm struggling. So much. I'm struggling with trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with you. How am I supposed to breathe when I'm around you? How am I supposed to contain myself?! How in the world am I supposed to BE with you? Not in the literal form but I mean how am I supposed to act when I'm around you. I'm so confused and lost and you cause this confusion. You jumble up my thoughts and I can't think straight when I'm around you. When I'm with you, everything goes away. All of my previous feelings disappear and I'm just filled with utter happiness. I don't know how you can do this to me, out of all people. You caused me so much pain and I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. I'm not gonna lie to you, you've caused me the worst mental pain I've ever experienced. But don't fret, you've also caused the greatest happiness I've ever felt. I can't believe the same person can have that effect on me, but you do. I've never cried over someone as much as I have for you and I definitely haven't loved someone as much as I love you. I think about you constantly, no joke. You're always on my mind, whether I'm full-blown thinking about you or you're in the back of my mind. Regardless, you're there. All day, every day. Talking to you makes me feel less alone and honestly makes everything better. I love talking to you because you make me feel good. You make me feel like I could do anything and not fail. It's the greatest feeling ever. I really want to tell all of this to you in person, but I don't think I have the stomach to be able to...I feel that even though we don't constantly talk or constantly see each other, it doesn't affect our relationship, whatever that may be. And even though we don't always talk, I think of you as my best friend. I feel like if I needed you, you'd be there and that's something I love. I would LOVE to tell you everything, like I tell Morganne, but I think I'd be too embarrassed or something. I don't ever want to lose you and I don't ever want you to leave my life for even a second. You mean so much to me, I can't put it all into words but I'm trying. I try so fucking hard not to get jealous about the silly things. For example, when another girl hugs you...like you're not exactly mine so I have no control over it and I'm trying to accept that. I'm trying to accept the fact that you ARE talking to other girls and I'm trying to grasp the fact and understand WHY it hurts so much. Then, I have to remind myself that it does go both ways. I talk to other guys. I just don't know how it affects you. I wish I could read your mind. That would be so fucking helpful everyday. There are SO many songs that remind me of you every single time I listen to them. Until The Day I Die by Story of the Year, If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember, My Heart by Paramore, Untouched by The Veronicas, This Love by The Veronicas, Fallin' Apart by The All-American Rejects, Fallin' For You by Colbie Calliat, Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato, Catch Me by Demi Lovato, The Bird and The Worm by Owl City, Happy by NeverShoutNever!, Bubbly by Colbie Calliat, and Lucky by Jason Mraz are only a select few. I could write for hours about you if I wanted, but now that I'm actually trying..nothing's coming to me. You make me the happiest girl on the face of the planet. Have I said that already? When I told you I loved everything about you, I wasn't exaggerating. You drive me absolutely crazy and I love every second of it. I hate it when my friends talk shit about you, telling me you're bad for me. Because they don't know what you're like with me, they don't know how you act and how you treat me. They don't know how I feel about you. They don't know how in love with you I am.

11/6/09
I can't write much more than this. I'm trying so hard to be happy. You're the only thing that makes me happy. I don't have you, therefore I am not happy. It's driving me up a fucking wall because you're not talking to me.

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to get over you if you keep this up.

Drifting.

I can feel myself slowly,
drifting away from you.
We don't talk as much.
We don't see each other.
It makes me sad and it
makes me wonder what
went wrong? Was it me?
Or is this your fault?
Your birthday's coming up.
I thought that by that time
we'd be together and it'd be
different. Maybe this is
supposed to happen.
Maybe me and you aren't
supposed to be together...
Exactly like how I said in
the beginning. Maybe we forced
this on us. I hope not.
I love you so much and it
makes me feel lonely to
think that after everything
and despite my feelings, it can
all just be

erased.