Let me vent.

Okay, so first off, let's start off what pisses me off the most. CERTAIN people in volleyball *cough cough* NICOLE MARSHALL *cough cough*. You think you're so fucking good, when you don't do shit. Do you know why you don't play? Do you know why you warm the fucking bench? Cause I do. Your attitude sucks, and so do you. Now, another thing that makes me so angry whenever I come home from practice is how pathetic the team is. I don't mean playing wise. I know we're good, when we stay positive and don't get down. I'm talking about the lack of WANT. I can see the lack of desire in everyone's eyes when we play, and it sucks. I love playing volleyball because I love the sport, I love the moment when I get a good set and I can feel this fire in my legs right before I feel like I'm going to explode. And then, I hit the ball and it feels fucking amazing. I don't know if the others feel this way, but I can't tell. It doesn't show, and it makes me so disappointed. I play 'cause I love it, I love winning, I love the satisfaction of it all, I love the adrenaline rush the most. Why do you love it?
Second thing. What the hell? WHERE did you come from? I've talked to you once, and you're ALREADY on my nutsack, asking when we're hooking up and how far we'll go?!? What. The. Fuck. Leave me alone. I don't KNOW you. I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but considering I don't know you at the moment, you're coming off as creepy.
THIRD thing. FATHER! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave me alone. Holy shit. I get it! You want me to do FABULOUS in school. You don't want me to ever quit. And I never have. So be proud of me. All I fucking want from you, is to say that you're proud of me. In a way that's totally random and sincere. Not the kind that's like Blah Blah We're soo proud of you But why don't you study more? God, I have to be perfect for you. Or it's not good enough. I'm NEVER fucking good enough.
Fourth thing, would be about you. I love you. Why can't you accept that? Why can no one accept that? You are the most infuriating and frustrating person I have met. But you give me this amazing feeling in my whole entire body that I am absolutely addicted to. Every time I see you, I get it. Every time I talk about you, I get it. I feel like this blog is the only way I can get through to you. I know you read it. Whatever I put here, are the words I can never tell you face-to-face. I love when you read it, because it feels like you're actually interested in what I have to say. Anyways, back to you...I am so incredibly happy with you, it's insane. Every single day, I wonder what you saw in me that you didn't see in someone else. I had no idea that being with you would feel like this. I feel attached to you. And sorry, no matter how hard you try, you can't shake me(: You need to forget about the past and how, maybe, you've hurt others. I can't stand the fact that what's stopping you to be with me, is the simple and stupid fact that you're afraid of hurting me. I get that, but you are hurting me so much worse by doing this. Your logic doesn't add up. Is there something else you're not telling me? You're killing me slowly, you know that? All I want is to be with you. You're not going to hurt me. I trust you with all that is Rachel Hope Wallin.

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

"From day one I talked about getting out,

But not forgetting about,
How all my worst fears are letting out.
He said why put a new address on the same old loneliness?
When breathing just passes the time,
Until we all just get old and die.
Now talking is just a waste of breath,
And living's just a waste of death.
And why put a new address on the same old loneliness?
And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left."

Do you know that feeling, when your talking to someone and they say one thing that you think hints to something terrible? That universal 'bad feeling in the pit of your stomach'? The feeling you get when someone you care about tells you they're sorry when you don't know what they've done, or the feeling you get when a friend is about to tell you something possibly life-changing. You sense it. You feel it approaching and you get this feeling. Why? What is it? Why do we feel it? Is it our body's way of warning us of something? Or is it normally a false pretense?

It comes spontaneously, without warning. It comes fast, and hard. It comes so fast and hard that you're totally caught off guard. It comes like a slap in the face or a bus crashing into you, tearing you apart. It makes you think, "Holy fuck. That actually happened. It's not a dream, I am not dreaming. It's completely and utterly real."

Whenever I get it, I start thinking. I think too hard. My stomach hurts, as if someone's punched something that isn't there. My heart hurts, as if someone has locked a cage around it and I can't feel anything. The feeling spreads throughout my whole entire body. Before I know it, I'm numb. I'm swallowed by this wave of nothingness that is so extremely heavy. It's the biggest weight on my shoulders but it weighs nothing whatsoever. The numbness continues throughout my body, starting at my core and going through my legs and arms, it even goes to the tip of my toes. It feels like I can't move, I wiggle and move around to see if I'm still there. The only part of me that isn't gone is my head because I'm thinking so intently on what is causing this feeling. It's as if I'm a floating head.

That feeling is ridiculously addicting AND somehow causes the worst pain.

These Walls.

I don't think I've ever let someone get more than close to me. Except those who have known me forever. I feel like I have commitment problems, but I just don't know. I put up such a front for people. I don't like saying the wrong thing, so I prefer to say nothing at all. They think I'm being a bitch, it's just me being shy or honestly not giving a fuck. I don't care much about anything really. Nothing except family, volleyball, BESTfriends, and Mitchell. I don't even know if I can show him the love he deserves. I try, but I feel like I fail. I hate feeling like that, like I'm not enough. I don't know if I can even truly love my friends. I feel like I'm not living up to their standards and that I disappoint them... I hate trying to be this perfect little being for my parents, especially my dad. It's like since he fucked up, he won't let me do it. He won't let me learn from my mistakes because I'm not allowed to make any. It's so much pressure and I hate it. I don't know why people put up with me and the small shit I do. I don't know why I have to not care about anything. It's not like I don't feel emotion about anything, it's just I...don't even know how to explain it. I don't care about anything that doesn't have to do with my life. I'm selfish and I hate it. I'm never satisfied. And I think that other people think it's their fault, it's not, it's mine. I desperately want that bond with someone or more than one person. That bond that I can tell EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to them and they won't judge me or tell me how wrong it is. I'm sick of people telling me I'm wrong about something they have no thoughts about. I'm tired of my parents restricting me and telling me what to do about every single damned thing. I've had enough of not feeling truly wanted. I mean, someone may truly want me. But I don't feel it. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore.
Something's been off lately, and I figured out what it is. It's me. It's all my fault.

I'm such a bitch.

"You and I left our troubles far behind. But I still have just one more question on my mind. "

"With friends like these, who needs enemies?!"

I look back at all my previous entries and laugh at the inferiorness of them compared to what I feel now and how things are different.
When I started this blog, never did I imagine that I would be documenting how quickly shit happens and how things change in the blink of an eye.

This might be kind of awkward to the reader, especially if this isn't meant to you and your just reading it anyway, but I kinda want to tell all the IMPORTANT people in my life how much they mean to me. The ones who've stayed by my side, the ones who've made me laugh until I wanted to pee, the ones who've helped me through the toughest and easiest things and the ones I love. This includes my family, my closest and oldest friends, my friends who never left me, and my friends who are new but will stick with me.

Now, I'm not saying the ones who aren't AS important aren't important. You guys are special to me, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time with you.

I don't know where I'd be without any of you. Thank you for making my life something worthwhile.


"You're the bird, I'm the worm and it's plain to see that we were meant to be."

You know who are. I love you. That will never change. I hope you feel the same way I do. I hope you're as crazy about me as I am about you.


To the ones of my past, thanks for the good times. BUT fuck you for leaving.

ALRIGHT, that's all.

Hurray for fucking up!
Hurray for going backward.
:/


My bad.

Tonight

I can go to sleep with a strange content feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it came from or who caused it, but it's there.

I can say that after reading Go Ask Alice, that I won't ever let myself get that low in life.
Maybe that's it.

Or maybe it's that things finally feel right, like what was supposed to happen has happened.

OR maybe it's what I realized at the end of tonight: That because of my new shampoo, my hair is lighter. Which as a contrast makes my skin look tanner. I had a good hair day today, but no one to share it with. AND I also had a good make-up day.

Oh, how I wish these material things in life didn't matter.

I am the happiest I've been in a while.
All because of you<3
I don't think I've ever been this happy.