I'm seriously starting to think I'm masochistic. Not in the physical way, God no. The mental way. I fall for more than one man at a time and then continue to fall harder and harder until I can't decide which one I like more. I always do it. I'm afraid I'll always be under this terrible curse, of being indecisive. I can't keep this up. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to myself. I need to stand up, look one of you in the eyes and say You aren't good for me. I may not owe it to you, to hurt you like that, but I sure as hell owe it to myself. I need to make my authority known. I'm tired of being the puppet, the one being controlled by the strings. This time I want to control them.
So, this is me screaming for the world to hear that I will not be played, controlled, or manipulated into making a decision. I'm choosing what's best for me, what's going to feel right, and what will hurt worse. I'm not choosing who I've known longer, or who has hurt me less. I'm choosing who I can't live without, who I can't stand not being around.
-I'm tired of fighting against the grain, against these undeniable feelings that I can't seem to push away. I can't do it any longer. I can't act like I don't care about you with such a burning desire. I can't pretend that we don't have something. I can't even hate you after the countless times you've pushed me away and fucked me over. I strongly believe that you were scared, more scared than you've ever been in your entire life. Knowing that you have this strong wall built around you so no one could get in, you thought you were protected. But still, you were frightened that I could possibly get in so easily with hardly any effort. And that's exactly what happened, wasn't it? We met, and I broke down your wall. I came crashing in and you suddenly weren't protected anymore. So you did what you do best, you ran. You ran from these uncontrollable feelings you had for me, and you ran from me. You didn't know what else to do, and I honestly don't blame you. But even running couldn't protect you from me. From what you still felt. You tried to deny it and you did the best you could but you failed. No matter, what you say or do, you can't deny it anymore. You can't deny ME. I won't let you. I'm going to make you fess up to how you feel, whether you like it or not. You aren't getting away from this. I know the type of person you are or the type of person you pretend to be. You are the kind of guy who can't possibly fall in love, you're wayyy too cool. Getting high and drunk is how you get away from the real world and the real feelings you have. Having meaningless sex is how you attempt to control your heart. Let me tell you a secret, it's not working. I'm going to do everything in my power to help you realize that this isn't a bad thing. That what you feel is who you are.
-It pains me to know that you worry about losing me. It hurts even worse to know that what we have is extremely hard to find and that I'm willing to throw it all away. I have never let anyone in so easily like I have for you. I don't have much to say, because I've said it all to you. I love you, I will always love you. I've never admitted to this but some days I wish we were adults so we could get married. You can't even begin to understand how badly I want you in my life forever. I can see us going beyond our teenage years and that scares me and makes me the happiest girl alive at the same time. You've let me down in the past and now you promise that it won't ever happen again...but what if it's me who let's you down this time? What if I hurt you beyond repair? That will kill me inside. Behind every bitch, is a man that made her that way. Did you know that was you? I bet you didn't. But did you know that you are the only one who can reverse it? You mean the universe to me and I can't stand the fact that if I make the wrong choice, you'll be gone. Forever out of my reach. You make my heart swell until it feels like there is no room for air in my lungs. You make me lose my mind. You fill me up with love. I can honestly say that you make me beyond happy. Nothing feels right when I'm not with you. I wish I could trust you enough this time around. My choice might be just a little easier then.
I won't let go. I can't let go.
