The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side.

Why. Why, why, why? WHY?
"Why do you like him?"
"What do you see in him?"
"Why do you care about him?"
"How can you like someone like that?"
"Tell us, because we honestly don't get it."
Here's the answer to all of the above: I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know why I like him. I just do. I don't know what I see in him, but I see something. I don't know why why I care about him, but I care a whole damn lot. I don't know how I can like someone so mean and devious, but apparently it's possible.
Do you think I asked for this? Do you think I asked to be pushed and shoved around? Do you honestly think I KNOW how this happened?!
Because I don't.

Fatal Attraction.

I have NEVER let a boy get to me like you do. My reactions revolve around you. My every thought consists of you and hardly nothing else. You have so much power over me it's ridiculous. You may even have more power than you ever thought imaginable. You drive me crazy. You make me insane. I don't know what to do with you anymore. If I was Superman, you'd be the kryptonite. If I was deadly allergic to bees, you would've already stung me. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more of this feeling I can endure.

Fuck.
And you're the only one that can save me.

Fall back on what remains.

I'm seriously starting to think I'm masochistic. Not in the physical way, God no. The mental way. I fall for more than one man at a time and then continue to fall harder and harder until I can't decide which one I like more. I always do it. I'm afraid I'll always be under this terrible curse, of being indecisive. I can't keep this up. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to myself. I need to stand up, look one of you in the eyes and say You aren't good for me. I may not owe it to you, to hurt you like that, but I sure as hell owe it to myself. I need to make my authority known. I'm tired of being the puppet, the one being controlled by the strings. This time I want to control them.
So, this is me screaming for the world to hear that I will not be played, controlled, or manipulated into making a decision. I'm choosing what's best for me, what's going to feel right, and what will hurt worse. I'm not choosing who I've known longer, or who has hurt me less. I'm choosing who I can't live without, who I can't stand not being around.

-I'm tired of fighting against the grain, against these undeniable feelings that I can't seem to push away. I can't do it any longer. I can't act like I don't care about you with such a burning desire. I can't pretend that we don't have something. I can't even hate you after the countless times you've pushed me away and fucked me over. I strongly believe that you were scared, more scared than you've ever been in your entire life. Knowing that you have this strong wall built around you so no one could get in, you thought you were protected. But still, you were frightened that I could possibly get in so easily with hardly any effort. And that's exactly what happened, wasn't it? We met, and I broke down your wall. I came crashing in and you suddenly weren't protected anymore. So you did what you do best, you ran. You ran from these uncontrollable feelings you had for me, and you ran from me. You didn't know what else to do, and I honestly don't blame you. But even running couldn't protect you from me. From what you still felt. You tried to deny it and you did the best you could but you failed. No matter, what you say or do, you can't deny it anymore. You can't deny ME. I won't let you. I'm going to make you fess up to how you feel, whether you like it or not. You aren't getting away from this. I know the type of person you are or the type of person you pretend to be. You are the kind of guy who can't possibly fall in love, you're wayyy too cool. Getting high and drunk is how you get away from the real world and the real feelings you have. Having meaningless sex is how you attempt to control your heart. Let me tell you a secret, it's not working. I'm going to do everything in my power to help you realize that this isn't a bad thing. That what you feel is who you are.

-It pains me to know that you worry about losing me. It hurts even worse to know that what we have is extremely hard to find and that I'm willing to throw it all away. I have never let anyone in so easily like I have for you. I don't have much to say, because I've said it all to you. I love you, I will always love you. I've never admitted to this but some days I wish we were adults so we could get married. You can't even begin to understand how badly I want you in my life forever. I can see us going beyond our teenage years and that scares me and makes me the happiest girl alive at the same time. You've let me down in the past and now you promise that it won't ever happen again...but what if it's me who let's you down this time? What if I hurt you beyond repair? That will kill me inside. Behind every bitch, is a man that made her that way. Did you know that was you? I bet you didn't. But did you know that you are the only one who can reverse it? You mean the universe to me and I can't stand the fact that if I make the wrong choice, you'll be gone. Forever out of my reach. You make my heart swell until it feels like there is no room for air in my lungs. You make me lose my mind. You fill me up with love. I can honestly say that you make me beyond happy. Nothing feels right when I'm not with you. I wish I could trust you enough this time around. My choice might be just a little easier then.

I won't let go. I can't let go.

Lately, I haven't had much to write about because nothing is wrong for once.
And that's what I normally base my entries on, my emotions.

I want to try to tell people how I feel about them, slowly but surely.



1. You've stood by my side through everything. Even when times were tough. Even when I didn't stand by you. I cannot thank you enough for being such a wonderful person and best friend to me. I love you.

2. I told you I hated players. Stop trying to get with me. I'm not gonna put out like all the other sluts you've been with.

3. I don't know why I care about you so much, and I don't know why I love you. All I do know is that we've tried this, us, and it doesn't work. Maybe no matter what we'd like to think, what I refuse to think, is that we're just not supposed to happen. We're not supposed to be together. I'm sorry. It sucks, I know. Maybe once you love yourself you can love me. You can't love ANYBODY unless you love yourself. Hit me up when that happens.

4. I wish you'd tell me secrets. The thing you don't realize is that it hurts when you don't tell me things. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy enough or that you don't trust me. Even though you say you do.

5. I miss you so bad it hurts. I miss both of you! WE miss you. You know, those girls you practically grew up with. We've known you guys since fucking 1st grade. Don't you think that's a little much to throw away?! I guess not, cause both of you did. And you did it like we meant nothing. That's a slap in the face. No, that would've been better than being tossed to the curb like trash. 'Best friends' my ass.

6. I tried so fucking hard to know you from the inside out. It obviously didn't work or I wouldn't be bitching about it. You don't know how much it hurt to be shut out by you. My friends say I'm ruining your life, and I ask myself "How?" 'Cause even though I've tried to convince you that you're not a fuck up, I'm starting to believe that, to say the least, you're heartless.

7. You never judge me. I'm pretty sure you're one out of five that don't. You're a rare friend and I'm so glad that you've been my friend for so long. Even if we drift apart, you are someone I will stick up for no matter what. I'm almost certain I don't deserve a friend like you.

8. I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you with my heart. Again. Please prove me wrong. I'm absolutely terrified that this is going to be another case of deja vu. I can honestly say you are the only boy I've ever loved and fell in love with. I can see you and me going far in this life. I don't want any one else to look at me the way you do. Despite the feelings that take over my thoughts, I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready for this.

∆

A long night spent with your most obvious weakness
I wonder if you have the same dreams, too
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world, four winds blowing through her hair
This life's to good to last and I'm to young to care
I only dream of you, and you never knew
Remember when I said I love you? Well, forget it, I take it back.
You possess every trait that I lack, by coincidence or by design
And she said na na na na na I just forgot you were there
On your machine I slur a plea for you to come come home
It's alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Look to the past and remember a smile and maybe tonight I can breathe for a while
When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know your alive
They call it love, it may be premature, but they don't need excuses
It feels like lightening running through my veins every time I look at you
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
You write such pretty words, but life's no story book. Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.
Fingertips have memories, Mine can't forget the curves of your body.

Random,

I just found an old quote that I saved on my Photobucket a long ass time ago, and it made me think of how I am today...
It's unfortunate that people take advantage of the things that make up most of their lives. I live my life according to others, and always make sure that I'm happy. If I'm not, then you'll know. I wear my feelings on my sleeves and see through people extremely well. The instant I'm uncomfortable around you, I'll be gone.

I will allow someone to love me.

I seem to be having trouble forgetting the past...

"When there's something you want, fight for it, don't give up--no matter how hopeless it seems, even when you've lost hope, cause years from now you're gonna look back and wish you gave it one more shot cause the best things in life don't come easy."

"What is love? Love is when your heart stops every time you see him. Love is looking at him and seeing your future. Love is having your heart broken when he doesn't love you back. But yet, love always seems to find you again, when you want nothing to do with it."

"I miss the way you acted like me sun, brightening up my day."

"Silence is pure.
It draws people together because only those
who are comfortable with each other
can sit without speaking."

"Jealousy is nothing more than a lack of self-confidence."

"You're the definition of the absolute best, and you're the reason I get through life when it's a total mess."

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

"I don't ever want to steal your time 'cause you seem fine but I feel blue. I don't want to say the things I do because I know I feel it more than you."

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say, I can't tell you anymore."

"Somewhere deep in your heart is someone that you're dying to forget but also living to remember."

"People do things everyday that could kill them. It doesn't mean they want to die."

"Out of everyone I've met, it's you I can't forget."

Stargirl;

"He says the world is a bad place
but I've seen him on the high dive,
the pride in his eyes."

"You close your eyes and you remember. You focus and you concentrate and you remember harder than you've ever remembered in your life, and pretty soon you're sure you can feel me there, sitting across from you, smiling at you. You experience me. You relive us. You're so happy. And then so sad when you open your eyes and realize I'm not really there. That's when you miss me the most. Desperately. Tell me I didn't imagine it. Tell me that even though our bodies were in separate places, our star selves shared an enchanted place. Tell me that right around noon you had the strangest sensation: a tiny chill on your shoulder...a flutter in the heart...a shadow of how it felt when we touched...
Tell me you whispered my name."

"Live today. Don't cheat yourself out of today. Don't get stuck on something that happened yesterday. Today is calling, trying to get your attention, but you're awaiting tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone, forever. It's now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you'll never know because you wasted today."

"Every day brings a new memory of something we did a year ago. A parade of unhappy anniversaries."

Dear Best Friend,

11 years I've known you and watched you change, 10 years I've called you my best friend. What happened? Just thinking about you makes me want to cry. You were the first one I'd call when something happened, you were the one I shared every single one of my secrets with. You never, ever told any of my secrets to anyone, no matter who it was about. You were the one who I bossed around in the sandbox when we were younger. And the one I warned when you had chocolate all over your face, and then proceeded to laugh at you like it was the funniest thing in the world. You were the one I grew up with and the one I wore matching outfits on the first day of school with. You were the one who I trick-or-treated with every single Halloween. You were my first true best friend. Ever since the first day of preschool, you've always been there for me. You were my shoulder to cry on when I was sad, as I was yours. Your home was my second home and my parents were like your second set. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. We never left each others sides. We fought like sisters, but couldn't stay mad at each other. You were my sister, besides the blood part. I love you with all my heart. I miss you so much, more than I've ever missed a friend. I feel like I've lost you. I know that over the years we've changed and we started liking different things, but did that mean we had to grow apart? It makes me so sad to think that I had the best of the best for a friend and then lost her. I miss you, Ashley. I miss all of our laughs and inside jokes. I miss all the pictures we took, documenting our childhood. I wish you didn't only want to talk about yourself all the time. I wish you were still interested in my life. I want so badly to catch up with you and know everything that's been going on. I want to tell you everything that's happened with me this past year because I know that just like when we were 10 you'd just sit and listen. Because you're still the same girl I met on the swings, even though your priorities are a little messed up.

Thank you so much for showing me what a true friendship is like. I will always love you no matter how far apart we become.

Love, the one who's always been there.

Soo, I love it;

How even after a week in Arizona, I still manage to find annoyances in the people around me. And how immediately when I get home, the people I needed to get away from in the beginning continue to annoy me. It's like a never ending cycle. Someone SAVE ME. At least I have you to talk to for all those days when I feel my sanity slipping. You're my life-preserver right now(:

Shit son, this past weekend was pretty fun though. I needed that.
Did I mention that I loveeee ASHLEA SMITH. Fuck, without her I would've been dumb stupid and bored out of my freakin' mind on that trip.