MCT.

No matter how many times you break me down or tear me apart, no matter how much you've hurt me: I will always have hope. Hope for you. Hope for us. I will always hold onto this little shred of hope you've left me and I will hold onto it forever. No matter what.

I'll just have to live my life around it.

OhhHeyy;

I think I'm going to start a new blog.
This one has been great and all but all it has become to me is a place where I write about him.
This blog has every upsetting thought of mine, a journal of things I'd do anything to forget.


SOOOO, without further audieu may I introduce you to my new blog.


TA-DA!
weallhavesecrets.wordpress.com

Once Upon A Time...

There was this sweet, tender, naive girl who believed everything guys said to her. Not the best quality because she could never tell when boys were saying stuff to her because they meant it or because they wanted something from her. For example, when one said "You're perfect and an all around good person" she couldn't tell if they were lying. If one said "I love you", she believed them. She always doubted herself and her capabilities.
Now it all started about a year ago, she was just getting the hang of high school: her friends were settling in, and so was everything else. She had already thought she'd been in love. Stupid right? An eighth grader being in love...Yeah, right. Well, this is what she thought and no one could change that. That is until she met him. He was this new and interesting person that she had just discovered. They hit it off. Flirting, hanging out...but this was far from serious. Slowly things graduated, with a few rough patches here and there, a few mistakes, and some wrong-doings. But finally, they were together after everything. She thought it was so worth it. She felt this incredible love for him swell up inside her, consuming everything. This, she thought, changes everything I once thought love was...This redefines my definition of love. She was right. What she had with him was more real than any other feeling.
Let's look at him: he says the same things to all the girls, he was a drama queen, and he loves attention. He said things to her like: I love you, I've never been more happier, and I'm falling in love with you. She believed it, and who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to believe all these great things the man of her dreams was telling her?! But what she didn't understand was that they were just words. They didn't mean anything unless proven. She was so blinded by love that she didn't see the fact that she was just another girl to him, that she could be tossed away and he could have a brand new one in the next week. That's exactly what happened. Over and over and over again. She couldn't help it, she loved him with all that she had and she believed that he could change, that he could be the ultimate boyfriend for her.
Her hopes of that coming true were smashed over and over. And who was there to pick up the pieces? His best friend. A while ago, she liked him but chose her dream man over him, he hated her but now was the one to make her feel better time and time again. He said things to her that she knew were genuine and their friendship grew. She constantly talked to him and they told each other things that they didn't want to tell anyone else. In her eyes, he had become one of her best friends. He knew her like no one else did and vice versa. This made her think, Did I make the wrong choice in the beginning? They always thought about how things would be if they were together.
That killed her, knowing that she could have wasted so much love on the wrong person. He told her, "I'm tired of him doing this to you over and over again. You don't deserve it." To make things right, she thought, I have to do what makes me happy.
Now fast forward maybe a year. The naive girl isn't so naive anymore, she's with a man who treats her with respect, loves her unconditionally, and they appreciate each other. They couldn't be happier. This man? The best friend that stood by her and was her shoulder to cry on for numerous times.
Insert ex- dream man. He has finally realized what he's done. He pushed away the one girl who had an undying love for him. He made her hate him, he broke her heart. He says to her, "I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I was so stupid back then...I should have realized how much you cared about me and I should have admitted to how much you meant to me. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I love you and I meant it when I said I always will. Can you ever forgive me for all the damage I've done? Could we ever go back to the way we were? Because my life just isn't the same without you."
She's speechless. This is what she used to dream about, pray about each and every night, for him to realize this. She's confronted with this internal battle that's between going to the man who stole her heart and staying with the man who put it back together.
She's crying as she admits, "I thought you'd never say this. You really had no idea how much I loved you. You can't possibly understand the physical and mental pain you put me through. I can't forgive you for this. I'm sorry. I'm staying with the guy who knew from the get-go how much I mattered to him. Unlike you, he didn't think twice about it. And unlike you, he knows what he has when he has me."
Now he faces a lifetime of what she felt all those dreadful months ago. He has to live with himself knowing that he wasn't there to catch her, he was far, far too late. That some lucky guy came across her and picked her up and put her back together. He has to go on knowing that she's happy without him.

The End.

confession.

I wish I could erase every last remain of you, every last message and note, knowing that I would be erasing my memories of you and you along with it.

!@#$%^&*

so i think i'm finally accepting the fact that you are far from the person i thought you were. you have done every unforgivable thing to me and i don't understand why i still want you. i have given you everything, and it's not enough. i fell so in love with you but i'm starting to realize that you didn't care. you could have cared less if i did or didn't. you only wanted one thing from me. you did anything you could to keep me hanging around, even telling me you loved me. i don't even know if anything you said to me was true anymore. honestly, if you felt how you did, how could you stop? how could you just sit around and tell me things i wanted to hear, knowing i would believe you? what kind of person does that? you are the biggest asshole i've ever met, you have no heart, and you're such an ugly person. i don't know what i saw in you. i regret ever liking you. i regret ever going out with you. i regret ever loving you. i regret every part of my life that has you in it. i regret ever meeting you. i regret every word i said to make you feel special. you didn't deserve any of it. everything i worked so hard for between us was completely and utterly pointless. i fell in love with a terrible person and now i have to do everything in my power to stop loving you. i would've rather you never saying 'i love you' to me because that's better than being lied to. i almost feel bad for you. you're kinda pathetic and i pity you. it's not like i made you the person you are today. someone must have fucked you up pretty badly. that doesn't mean you had to fuck me up for other guys to come.

despite all of this, i still want you to be happy. without me. why? because i'm nice and i believe in karma.

If it's a broken arm then brace it. If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken heart then face it.

I'm facing it.

And let me tell you, what I'm looking at is messy and it's gonna take a long time to put back together.

Hold your tongue.

You know nothing about this. Don't even get involved. I hope you watch as I'm falling down because you are the reason I'm hitting the ground. You can be the one that breaks me, you will be the one that breaks me now. I hope you know that every tear you cry is a memory left from when you watched me die. You know I'll haunt your dreams with all these pieces that you stole from me.

Lately, I've been feeling very lost and confused, like nothing made sense, like I couldn't grasp anything whether it be a simple sentence or a complex problem. I feel like I'm losing my mind. But then I wondered, What if this is a coping method? What if this is my body's way of coping with this pain that I feel 24/7. It makes sense because I always used to think about you, so now it's routine and now that I'm trying to get over you (TRYING), my brain is making me immune to all things that remind me of you. Which, by the way, is practically everything. Therefore, I'm completely numb and I can't think. Wow. Thank you for making me retarded.

This is my only explanation to why I'm feeling the way I do. It's an educated guess.

OH! Question: Who tells someone they love them and always will, then four days later have a girlfriend?

A) An asshole B) The most hurtful boy on planet Earth C) The most hurtful boy on planet Earth that I'm still in love with or D) All of the above.


ANSWER is D.

V.

Why is it that after I've sworn you off for good, I see you and it almost falters the wall I've built to protect myself from you? There I was, contemplating a current situation that had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you, I look up, BAM!, there you are. My heart literally thudded. Twice. Maybe three times. Then it sped up and I was filled with dread. WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? Get outta here. Seriously.

IV.

I'm strangely so happy and content without you. To be honest with you, I didn't know this was possible. I think I'm starting this new process that's beyond all of the others. Do not try to ruin this for me. Don't try to bring yourself back into this life of mine. I promise you, I won't let you in so easily like I've done so many times before. I'll shut you out. And let me tell you, you'll miss me when I'm gone.
(:

This time

I need a soldier, a really badass soldier.
A boy who knows how to take care of me, I'm so damn glad that's over.
This time I need a soldier, I'm sick of toy soldiers.

Oh yes. Bring on the men. Fuck you little boys.
>:D

III.

I'm not settling for anything less than the best, strange as it may sound...I think I already found what I'm looking for.

II.

I will never lose my virginity to someone like you, to someone who treats me like shit.

I.

You're kidding me, right? Don't you ever say you love me again. I can't believe you. You don't love me. Leave me alone. Thanks a fucking lot. You've broken my heart.

Nightmares.

"I wish I could rip out a page of my memory cause I put too much energy in him and me. Can't wait 'till I get through this phase, cause it's killing me. Too bad we can't rewrite our own history. It's such a mystery when he's here with me, it's hard to believe I'm still lonely. Chances fading now, patience running out. This ain't how it's supposed to be. I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy. How do we reverse the chemistry? I don't want us to be the end of me. This love is taking all of my energy."

Days like these make me wonder why I need you out of all people. I'm not one to complain. I've got good, true friends who would stick up for me and never leave my side. I've got a good stable family without any issues or problems. I do good in school. I play a sport I love. And I've got everything I could possibly want...Well except for you. Why is it that I SHOULD love my life and value every second of it, but I don't. I can't value hardly any of it because you're not in it. Why can't I be grateful for the things I have, that others would kill for? Why would I kill to have you? Perfect days, like the one I've had today, where I wake up, I'm excited because it's my friends birthday, I laugh until my face hurts because my friends are just that great and I don't get ANY homework so I can go over to my friend's house to spend 6 hours walking to McDonald's and eating, then going out with my 2nd family to eat a 2nd dinner, make me so fucking happy. No one gets it. It's so simple and it's carefree and it's just nice. But as usual, I come home, I take for granted my family that is, thank god, still together, and I sit in my room by myself. This sucks out some of the energy I had throughout the day. And then when it becomes the time where I'm tired enough to fall asleep, I get ready for bed and I crawl under the covers. This is when I think about you. After every wonderful thing that happened that day, I always end up hating my life at the end of it. All because I don't have you.

Gulp, gulp, gulp.

Why is alcoholism cool when you're a young adult and looked down upon when you're an adult? It's a disease so it should be treated like one. And in my opinion it ruins lives. It ruins the lives of the victims and the lives of the friends and family of the victim. Drinking is fun but don't get me wrong, when it becomes a must-have, it becomes a problem. I don't understand why the majority of today's generation don't treat it like one.

Uhm, Hello..?

Can you say SunitaIsAGoddessThatPoursMagicalWordsFromHerMouthAndPutsThemOnHerBlog? Everything she says, I feel the. Exact. Same. Way.





Hello, it’s me again just here to tell you, yet again, what you have done to me. I honestly think you have ruined me for other guys. Because of you, I can’t trust anyone of the opposite sex. When a guy compliments me, I can’t accept it and say thank you, I have to question it. You have made me so insecure and you could care less. You don’t know how many scars you’ve left here. I hate how it’s so easy for you to just move on with your life and I’m here dealing with all the pain you’ve left me. You go around acting like you’ve done nothing, like nothing ever happened and I can’t comprehend it. Everything on the face of this earth reminds me of you and it’s depressing. I went to see New Moon the other day with a few of my friends and the whole time I was watching it, I was thinking “Why can’t I have someone like Edward Cullen?” Unlike you, he LOVES Bella and would do just about anything for her. I know he’s just a character in a movie and a protagonist in a book, but I’m sure there’s someone in this cold hearted world like him. I really hope there is.

But you know what? The truth is, I don’t want someone else like him. I want you. But you can’t see that. You don’t get it and I don’t understand that. I feel like I’ve written this all before and it’s like it’s a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again. God, I really don’t get you. I can’t bring myself to understand why you do the things you so easily do, and it seems to me that you don’t have a care in the world while you’re accomplishing your deeds. You can so easily break me down in what you say and what you don’t say and you don’t give a shit. I was talking to my friend Rachel about this today because you see, you and Mitchell are exactly alike. You two both have girls that love you more than life itself and you treat us like shit. As I was talking to her about it, she said you guys were born like that and I thought it was your insecurities. This is just my theory. Maybe you guys are born like that and no matter how hard we try to change you into someone better than the person you are, we just can’t. It may sound bad that we’re trying to change you into someone you’re not, but the person you are now is horrible. You cause us pain without caring. You know exactly what you’re doing, you just don’t care. Anyway, as we were talking, we brought up Morganne and her boyfriend Jesse and you want to know what Rachel said? Her exact words were “Yeah, Jesse’s a fucking god compared to our men. He treats Morganne so well.”

We girls go through so many changes for you guys and you don’t notice. We would change anything about us if you asked us to but it’s impossible for you to simply change your attitude towards us. Once again, I don’t get it. All I’m saying is, you can’t keep treating us like shit because I promise you, one day we will get over you. You will realize that all you really wanted was standing right in front of you and she gave you her love and support no matter what. And when you finally get it, once you truly think about how stupid you were, we won’t want you. We’ll have someone else who can actually accept us and our love. And what about you? You’ll feel the exact same pain that we felt everyday in the past…-Sunita Shelly<3

All I've ever wanted....was you.

“Your words are full of honesty, the kind I breathe, the kind that cuts me deep. And I am grasping for air, I’m gasping for air now. Yesterday feels like a fresh wound, still I insist it’s just a flesh wound. This is my reply for all the pain you put me through. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Don’t count on me, don’t count on me for anything. Looking back at all the words I sent you, I’m doing my best to forget you. But it still remains your name, the bitter taste on my tongue. I can’t forget your kiss, or the venom on your lips. This is gonna leave a scar, I am wounded.”

So here I am, breaking my promise. I keep writing about you even when I say I'm not going to. You were right, I AM a compulsive liar...but not about the things you accused me of. I can't even imagine writing about any other boy with the same intensity and feeling as I do with you. It's just impossible for me to think about. I'm here because I'm honestly tired of this. I can't stress it enough. I don't ever want to love another besides you. It kills me to even think about you telling other girls the things you once said to me. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I wish we could completely start over, a clean slate. Maybe then, we could do it right.

So here I am, in all my fatality, giving every last part of me to you. Screaming at you from the inside how much I love you, how much I can't stop loving you. Ignoring you on the outside because I can't take the pain you cause me any longer. Telling you that I love you, and deep down I know, I always will. Knowing that it's not good enough for you. And learning that I will have to deal with it and live with this painful fact for the rest of my life.

And here you are, not even acknowledging my existence because all I ever was to you was the girl who loved you irrevocably.

Oh, you know, don't sweat it. It doesn't hurt THAT bad when I don't think about it.

Despite what I've said. Despite the things I said I was going to do.
I can't. I'm completely lying to myself.

I'm going to keep telling myself that I can do this.
Maybe one day I'll actually start to believe it.

If It Means A Lot To You...

YOU: And hey darling, I hope you're good tonight and I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving. Yeah I want it, but no, I don't need it. Tell me something sweet to get me by 'cause I can't come back home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la. Till everyone is singing... If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best..

ME: And hey sweetie, well, I need you here tonight and I know that you don't want to be leaving me. Yeah you want it, but I can't help it: I just feel complete when you're by my side. But I know you can't come home till they're singing: la, la la la, la la la.

YOU: Till everyone is singing: la, la la la, la la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow this will all be in the past. Well it might be for the best...

ME: You know you can't give me what I need. And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything.

BOTH: Is this really happening?!

ME: I swear I'll never be happy again! And don't you dare say we can just be friends.

YOU: I'm not some boy that you can sway. We knew it'd happen eventually...

La, la la la, la la la. Now everybody's singing: la, la la la, la la la..

Thank you ADTR, you've made it oh so very clear to me.

untitled,

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, it was never meant to be. If it does, love it forever."

What about those of us who were fucking retarded when the something we loved returned but instead of loving it forever, we questioned it? What happens to those of us who set it free, it came back, we didn't take it, now it's gone, and finally we want it back?

I guess those of us are the sore losers who never knew what we had when we had it.