Hurray for fucking up!
Hurray for going backward.
:/
My bad.
September 7, 2009
Tonight
I can go to sleep with a strange content feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it came from or who caused it, but it's there.
I can say that after reading Go Ask Alice, that I won't ever let myself get that low in life.
Maybe that's it.
Or maybe it's that things finally feel right, like what was supposed to happen has happened.
OR maybe it's what I realized at the end of tonight: That because of my new shampoo, my hair is lighter. Which as a contrast makes my skin look tanner. I had a good hair day today, but no one to share it with. AND I also had a good make-up day.
Oh, how I wish these material things in life didn't matter.
I can say that after reading Go Ask Alice, that I won't ever let myself get that low in life.
Maybe that's it.
Or maybe it's that things finally feel right, like what was supposed to happen has happened.
OR maybe it's what I realized at the end of tonight: That because of my new shampoo, my hair is lighter. Which as a contrast makes my skin look tanner. I had a good hair day today, but no one to share it with. AND I also had a good make-up day.
Oh, how I wish these material things in life didn't matter.
August 30, 2009
Hypocrite?
-A person who indulges in hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy:
-The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.
In other words: YOU.
I don't feel so bad anymore about whatever the hell I did because I know you do it too.
Hypocrisy:
-The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.
In other words: YOU.
I don't feel so bad anymore about whatever the hell I did because I know you do it too.
August 27, 2009
The Battle.
Weird, this came to me 3rd period in Algebra 2...I was sitting there and all of the sudden I had a huge urge to write!
8/26/09
It all seems so easy now. What I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. My choice seems pretty obvious at the moment. My heart is for sure set on you. And we should all listen to our hearts, right? But my mind isn't set on you, I KNOW you aren't the safe choice and I KNOW there's a possibility that you could hurt me and leave me broken. I refuse to listen to that. I want to go all out and give you the power to hurt me but trusting you not to. If only I can trust you completely and reasonably, then, that's when you and I both know, I'm yours.
8/26/09
It all seems so easy now. What I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. My choice seems pretty obvious at the moment. My heart is for sure set on you. And we should all listen to our hearts, right? But my mind isn't set on you, I KNOW you aren't the safe choice and I KNOW there's a possibility that you could hurt me and leave me broken. I refuse to listen to that. I want to go all out and give you the power to hurt me but trusting you not to. If only I can trust you completely and reasonably, then, that's when you and I both know, I'm yours.
August 20, 2009
The way I see it: LOVE wins.
I hate you. I hate you for all the things you've done to me. I hate you for all the shit you've said to me. I hate you for all the drama you've caused me. I hate you for all the meaningless crap that has come out of your mouth. I hate how you use me to your liking. I hate how you use others the way you want. I hate how you think it's okay to be an asshole to everybody. I hate how you abuse the life you were given. I hate how you toy with my feelings. I hate how you know how I tick without even trying to know me. I hate how you slipped into my mind so easily. I hate how you don't give a fuck. I hate how you used to call me every night. I hate how I have the sound of your voice imprinted in my brain. I hate how you could care less but care so much. I hate how you called just to say "goodnight". I hate how you made me cry. I hate how I'm crying as I'm writing this. I hate how I have so much to say to you but I can't say anything. I hate how you treat me. I hate you for somehow making me fall for you. I hate you for leaving me for my friend. I hate you for being so flirtatious. I hate you for telling me that you knew you'd like me forever. I hate how I can trust you so easily. I hate how I believe everything you say until your friends make me think otherwise. I hate you for the way you look at me. I hate you for the way you make my heart race. I hate you for the way you hugged me. I hate the way you stuck around. I hate the way I can't stay away from you. I hate the way we fight. I hate the way I can't stay mad at you for more than a day. I hate the way you force me to be mad at you. I hate the way you act like everything's okay, when it's not. I hate the way you can't say "I'm sorry." I hate the way you control people. I hate the way you think you're amazing. I hate that you're right. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way you hypnotize me. I hate the way your poison set in. I hate the way you called me perfect and amazing and beautiful. I hate the way you said "I chose a non-easy girl named Rachel." I hate the way you say my name. I hate how you think you can have me whenever you want me. I hate the way you CAN. I hate how you think you have me on a string. I hate how you DO. I hate when people talk bad about you. I hate how I feel the need to stick up for you. I hate how I think I understand you. I hate how I think I'm the only one. I hate the way I feel when I hear your name. I hate when you talk to other girls. I hate how I wish you'd only talk to me. I hate how I should hate you, but I don't.
Not a single bone, muscle, cell, nerve or thing in my body hates you. I could never hate you. And I never will. I hate that.
Even after all the things I "hate" about you; I still manage to love you. Do you realize that? The amount of love in my heart that you possess even though you shouldn't? I find something about you irresistible...and I love that. This feeling, that I can't explain no matter how hard I try, isn't going away. It's never going away. And I realize now at 12:28 AM on Thursday August 20th, 2009 that this feeling is real. It's undeniable and I can't deny it. This, whatever it is, is so strong.
This is far from fantasy and I'm fucking scared.
Not a single bone, muscle, cell, nerve or thing in my body hates you. I could never hate you. And I never will. I hate that.
Even after all the things I "hate" about you; I still manage to love you. Do you realize that? The amount of love in my heart that you possess even though you shouldn't? I find something about you irresistible...and I love that. This feeling, that I can't explain no matter how hard I try, isn't going away. It's never going away. And I realize now at 12:28 AM on Thursday August 20th, 2009 that this feeling is real. It's undeniable and I can't deny it. This, whatever it is, is so strong.
This is far from fantasy and I'm fucking scared.
This door leads to nowhere...
I'm afraid to be left alone because I'm terrified of the thoughts that envelope my brain and take over my head. I'm afraid of this feeling I get. I'm afraid, and it's all your fault.
If you would've just left me alone. If you would've just not cared about me...I would've gave up on you a long time ago.
If, if, IF.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
You have me exactly where you want me, and you know it. Don't leave me. I'm begging you to stay. If you do nothing I ask expect for one thing, that's what I want. I want you to stay. If you leave, I don't know what will become of me.
You will finally ruin me.
The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side.
Why. Why, why, why? WHY?
"Why do you like him?"
"What do you see in him?"
"Why do you care about him?"
"How can you like someone like that?"
"Tell us, because we honestly don't get it."
Here's the answer to all of the above: I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know why I like him. I just do. I don't know what I see in him, but I see something. I don't know why why I care about him, but I care a whole damn lot. I don't know how I can like someone so mean and devious, but apparently it's possible.
Do you think I asked for this? Do you think I asked to be pushed and shoved around? Do you honestly think I KNOW how this happened?!
Because I don't.
"Why do you like him?"
"What do you see in him?"
"Why do you care about him?"
"How can you like someone like that?"
"Tell us, because we honestly don't get it."
Here's the answer to all of the above: I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know why I like him. I just do. I don't know what I see in him, but I see something. I don't know why why I care about him, but I care a whole damn lot. I don't know how I can like someone so mean and devious, but apparently it's possible.
Do you think I asked for this? Do you think I asked to be pushed and shoved around? Do you honestly think I KNOW how this happened?!
Because I don't.
August 18, 2009
Fatal Attraction.
I have NEVER let a boy get to me like you do. My reactions revolve around you. My every thought consists of you and hardly nothing else. You have so much power over me it's ridiculous. You may even have more power than you ever thought imaginable. You drive me crazy. You make me insane. I don't know what to do with you anymore. If I was Superman, you'd be the kryptonite. If I was deadly allergic to bees, you would've already stung me. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more of this feeling I can endure.
Fuck.
And you're the only one that can save me.
Fuck.
And you're the only one that can save me.
August 15, 2009
Fall back on what remains.
I'm seriously starting to think I'm masochistic. Not in the physical way, God no. The mental way. I fall for more than one man at a time and then continue to fall harder and harder until I can't decide which one I like more. I always do it. I'm afraid I'll always be under this terrible curse, of being indecisive. I can't keep this up. It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to myself. I need to stand up, look one of you in the eyes and say You aren't good for me. I may not owe it to you, to hurt you like that, but I sure as hell owe it to myself. I need to make my authority known. I'm tired of being the puppet, the one being controlled by the strings. This time I want to control them.
So, this is me screaming for the world to hear that I will not be played, controlled, or manipulated into making a decision. I'm choosing what's best for me, what's going to feel right, and what will hurt worse. I'm not choosing who I've known longer, or who has hurt me less. I'm choosing who I can't live without, who I can't stand not being around.
-I'm tired of fighting against the grain, against these undeniable feelings that I can't seem to push away. I can't do it any longer. I can't act like I don't care about you with such a burning desire. I can't pretend that we don't have something. I can't even hate you after the countless times you've pushed me away and fucked me over. I strongly believe that you were scared, more scared than you've ever been in your entire life. Knowing that you have this strong wall built around you so no one could get in, you thought you were protected. But still, you were frightened that I could possibly get in so easily with hardly any effort. And that's exactly what happened, wasn't it? We met, and I broke down your wall. I came crashing in and you suddenly weren't protected anymore. So you did what you do best, you ran. You ran from these uncontrollable feelings you had for me, and you ran from me. You didn't know what else to do, and I honestly don't blame you. But even running couldn't protect you from me. From what you still felt. You tried to deny it and you did the best you could but you failed. No matter, what you say or do, you can't deny it anymore. You can't deny ME. I won't let you. I'm going to make you fess up to how you feel, whether you like it or not. You aren't getting away from this. I know the type of person you are or the type of person you pretend to be. You are the kind of guy who can't possibly fall in love, you're wayyy too cool. Getting high and drunk is how you get away from the real world and the real feelings you have. Having meaningless sex is how you attempt to control your heart. Let me tell you a secret, it's not working. I'm going to do everything in my power to help you realize that this isn't a bad thing. That what you feel is who you are.
-It pains me to know that you worry about losing me. It hurts even worse to know that what we have is extremely hard to find and that I'm willing to throw it all away. I have never let anyone in so easily like I have for you. I don't have much to say, because I've said it all to you. I love you, I will always love you. I've never admitted to this but some days I wish we were adults so we could get married. You can't even begin to understand how badly I want you in my life forever. I can see us going beyond our teenage years and that scares me and makes me the happiest girl alive at the same time. You've let me down in the past and now you promise that it won't ever happen again...but what if it's me who let's you down this time? What if I hurt you beyond repair? That will kill me inside. Behind every bitch, is a man that made her that way. Did you know that was you? I bet you didn't. But did you know that you are the only one who can reverse it? You mean the universe to me and I can't stand the fact that if I make the wrong choice, you'll be gone. Forever out of my reach. You make my heart swell until it feels like there is no room for air in my lungs. You make me lose my mind. You fill me up with love. I can honestly say that you make me beyond happy. Nothing feels right when I'm not with you. I wish I could trust you enough this time around. My choice might be just a little easier then.
I won't let go. I can't let go.
So, this is me screaming for the world to hear that I will not be played, controlled, or manipulated into making a decision. I'm choosing what's best for me, what's going to feel right, and what will hurt worse. I'm not choosing who I've known longer, or who has hurt me less. I'm choosing who I can't live without, who I can't stand not being around.
-I'm tired of fighting against the grain, against these undeniable feelings that I can't seem to push away. I can't do it any longer. I can't act like I don't care about you with such a burning desire. I can't pretend that we don't have something. I can't even hate you after the countless times you've pushed me away and fucked me over. I strongly believe that you were scared, more scared than you've ever been in your entire life. Knowing that you have this strong wall built around you so no one could get in, you thought you were protected. But still, you were frightened that I could possibly get in so easily with hardly any effort. And that's exactly what happened, wasn't it? We met, and I broke down your wall. I came crashing in and you suddenly weren't protected anymore. So you did what you do best, you ran. You ran from these uncontrollable feelings you had for me, and you ran from me. You didn't know what else to do, and I honestly don't blame you. But even running couldn't protect you from me. From what you still felt. You tried to deny it and you did the best you could but you failed. No matter, what you say or do, you can't deny it anymore. You can't deny ME. I won't let you. I'm going to make you fess up to how you feel, whether you like it or not. You aren't getting away from this. I know the type of person you are or the type of person you pretend to be. You are the kind of guy who can't possibly fall in love, you're wayyy too cool. Getting high and drunk is how you get away from the real world and the real feelings you have. Having meaningless sex is how you attempt to control your heart. Let me tell you a secret, it's not working. I'm going to do everything in my power to help you realize that this isn't a bad thing. That what you feel is who you are.
-It pains me to know that you worry about losing me. It hurts even worse to know that what we have is extremely hard to find and that I'm willing to throw it all away. I have never let anyone in so easily like I have for you. I don't have much to say, because I've said it all to you. I love you, I will always love you. I've never admitted to this but some days I wish we were adults so we could get married. You can't even begin to understand how badly I want you in my life forever. I can see us going beyond our teenage years and that scares me and makes me the happiest girl alive at the same time. You've let me down in the past and now you promise that it won't ever happen again...but what if it's me who let's you down this time? What if I hurt you beyond repair? That will kill me inside. Behind every bitch, is a man that made her that way. Did you know that was you? I bet you didn't. But did you know that you are the only one who can reverse it? You mean the universe to me and I can't stand the fact that if I make the wrong choice, you'll be gone. Forever out of my reach. You make my heart swell until it feels like there is no room for air in my lungs. You make me lose my mind. You fill me up with love. I can honestly say that you make me beyond happy. Nothing feels right when I'm not with you. I wish I could trust you enough this time around. My choice might be just a little easier then.
I won't let go. I can't let go.
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